Searching For Intelligent Life

Tempus fugit

2011-12-17T12:24:00.001-05:00

We are still about...me, I am working...on call 24/7, it is exhausting.Faye...recovered from her surgery...but her behavior is out-of-control...Mom and I are not sure how much longer we can deal with her...Mom at 90 is amazing...she drives and gets her hair done...shops for groceries andpumps her own gas...Hanukkah and Christmas are coming...Happy both to every single one of y'all!

If Down Syndrome People Ruled the World

2010-12-17T18:57:00.000-05:00

If People with Down Syndrome Ruled the World
Dennis McGuire, PhD
Adult Down Syndrome Center of Lutheran General Hospital
Park Ridge, Illinois
This paper was originally delivered as a plenary address at the conference in Chicago in July of 2005, co-sponsored by the National Down Syndrome Society and the National Association for Down Syndrome.

What would happen if people with DS ruled the world?
If people with Down syndrome ruled the world:

Affection, hugging and caring for others would make a big comeback.

Despite the fact that my family was not terribly affectionate, I have had a crash course in hugging at the Center. I am confident that if people with Down syndrome ran the world, everyone would become very accustomed to the joys of hugging. Fortunately for me, I had a head start. My wife is a native of Argentina, and I got some intense exposure to hugging when I landed in her country and found there were 6000 members of her family waiting to be hugged as we got off the plane.

All people would be encouraged to develop and use their gifts for helping others.

In our world, too often people with Down syndrome are “DONE FOR” by others, when in fact they are great givers. If they ran the world, their ability to minister to others would not be wasted.

People would be refreshingly honest and genuine.

People with Down syndrome are nothing if not straightforward and unpretentious. As the expression goes, “what you see is what you get.” When you say to people with Down syndrome, “You did a good job,” most will answer simply and matter-of-factly, “Yes, I did.”

We believe, too, that a stuffy high society would probably not do well in the world of Down syndrome.

However, we believe that BIG dress up dances would flourish. People with Down syndrome love dressing up and dancing at big shindigs. They have a ball, and …can they dance! (and by the way, who needs a date… “Just dance”).

Most people we have met with Down syndrome also love weddings. This should not be a big surprise. They love getting dressed up, being with family and friends, having good food, and, of course, dancing until the wee hours of the morning. (Many people love it so much, they will chase the band down at the end of the night, begging them to continue.) Perhaps, too, part of the reason they love weddings so much is not just because of the food and dancing, but because in many cases the rules against hugging are temporarily suspended. This may give people a little piece of what I experienced in Argentina. Whoa! Can you imagine what the world would be like with so much affection unleashed?

People engaged in self talk would be considered thoughtful and creative. Self talk rooms would be reserved in offices and libraries to encourage this practice.

People with Down syndrome have a reputation for “talking to themselves.” When conducted in a private space, self talk serves many adaptive purposes.

It is a wonderful means to ponder ideas and to think out loud. It allows people to review events that occurred in the course of their day. It allows people to solve problems by talking themselves through tasks. It allows them to plan for future situations. It is also helpful in allowing people to express feelings and frustrations, particularly if they have difficulty expressing their feelings to others. There is even evidence that athletes who do not have Down syndrome use self talk to motivate themselves. Certainly people without Down syndrome talk to their computer (particularly when it crashes), and likewise many people talk out loud when driving in Chicago. (Of course they may also make odd gestures as well; not recommended if long life is one of your ambitions.)

Order and Structure would rule

We have heard that many people with Down syndrome are stubborn and compulsive. Now, I know what many of you are thinking…“Did you really have to bring that up?” I’m sorry, but—we do. What we hear is that quite a few people have nonsensical rituals and routines. They can get stuck on behaviors that can drive family members a little crazy.

Despite the irritations, there are also many benefits to these “obsessive compulsive tendencies.” We actually have termed these tendencies “Grooves” because people tend to follow fairly set patterns, or “grooves,” in their daily activities.

What are the benefits of Grooves? Many people with Down syndrome are very careful with their appearance and grooming, which is especially important since they often stand out because of their physical features. Grooves also increase independence because most people are able to complete home and work tasks reliably when these tasks are part of their daily routine. (And while they are not fast … they are very precise.) For many with Down syndrome, grooves serve as a way to relax. Some people repeat a favorite activity in a quiet space, such as writing, drawing, puzzles, needlepoint, etc. Grooves also serve as a clear and unambiguous statement of choice (very important for people with language limitations). This may even be a way for teens with Down syndrome to define their own independence without getting into the same rancorous conflicts with parents as many other teens.

So given what we know about people with Down syndrome and grooves, how would they use this to run the world? Here is how:

■Schedules and calendars would be followed.

■Trains & planes would run on time.

■Lunch would be at 12:00. Dinner at 6:00.

■Work time would be work time.

■Vacation would be vacation.

At the Center, our receptionist, Shirley, will often have people at her desk pointing to the clock or their watches. Obviously, she hears about it when we don’t take people back at their appointment time, but she also found that some people refuse to go back early: “Nope I am not going at 9:45, my appointment is at 10:00,” nor does going over into the lunch period work. I am sure all of you have similar stories.

But there is much, much more:

■People would be expected to keep their promises.

■Last minute changes would be strongly discouraged (if not considered rude and offensive).

■Places would be neat, clean, and organized (not just bedrooms, but cities, countries, the whole world).

■Lost and founds would go out of business (even chaotic appearing rooms have their own sense of order).

■The “grunge look” would be out, way out.

■“Prep” (but not pretentious) would be very big.

In the world of Down Syndrome, there would be a great deal more tolerance for:

■Repeating the same phrase or question

■Use of the terms “fun” and “cleaning” in the same sentence

■Closing doors or cabinets that are left ajar (even in someone else’s house)

■Arranging things until they are “Just so.”

Despite their compulsions and grooves, people with Down syndrome rarely have the really ‘bad habits’ that so many of us have. In fact, out of approximately 3000 people we have seen at the clinic, we have not seen any drug addicts or gamblers and just two alcoholics and a very small number of smokers. However, we think that pop may be a common addiction in the world of Down syndrome, and of course some people are incurable savers and hoarders of just about everything, but especially paper products and writing utensils. Because of this, I could see maybe a Betty Ford Center for pop addicts and extreme paper hoarding.

The words “hurry” and “fast” would be not be uttered in polite society. “Plenty of time” would take their place.

At the Center, we frequently hear about pace, or how fast or slow people move. Quite often these issues are discussed in disparaging terms by harried and frustrated family members. In this world, people with Down syndrome have a reputation for having two speeds, slow and slower.

Therefore, in the world of Down Syndrome:

■Our current mode of dealing with time, also known as the “Rat race” (or rushing around like our hair is on fire), would not survive.

■Here and now would command a great deal more respect than it currently does.

■Stopping to smell the roses would not be just a cliché.

■Work would be revered, no matter what kind, from doing dishes to rocket science.

We have consistently seen respect and devotion to work by people with Down syndrome. This is such a strong characteristic for many that they don’t want to stay home from work even if feeling ill. Perhaps more importantly, they value any kind of work.

Therefore, if people with Down syndrome ran the world:

■Speed would be far less important than doing the job right.

■Work would be everyone’s right, not a privilege.

However, we think there would probably be no work conducted during the time that “Wheel of Fortune” is on TV.

All instruction would include pictures to aid visual learners.

Many studies have shown that individuals with Down syndrome have deficits in auditory memory. If they cannot remember verbal instruction, they may be considered oppositional or less competent in school, home, or work environments. Despite this, they have exceptional visual memory-they are visual learners. If they see something once, they can usually repeat it. They also have an exceptional memory for facts and figures of interest (favorite celebrities, movies, music, sports teams, etc).

If people with Down syndrome ran the world:

■School and work sites would have picture, written, and verbal instructions to accommodate different learning styles.

■Counselors would be able to use visual mediums to help solve problems.

What About News?

If people with Down syndrome ran the world:

■Weather would be the only essential news item

■News would be more local (“A new McDonalds just opened up,” or “A dance tonight,” etc.). After all, what is more important than that?

What About Bad News?

If people with Down syndrome ran the world, would there be wars or murders? We don’t think so! There may be too many McDonalds but definitely not the wars or murders we have in our “civilized societies.”

What About “Behaviors”…

…and terms such as (the ever popular) “Incident reports,” “Outbursts,” “Unprovoked outbursts” (one of our all time favorites), and of course “Non compliance”?

We believe that in the world of Down Syndrome, anyone writing “incident reports” would have to go through sensitivity training, which would consist of someone following them around writing down everything they did wrong. Brian Chicoine and I both figure that we would have been on major psychotropic medications long ago if we had people writing up incident reports on us.

We have found that most people with Down syndrome are very sensitive to expressions of anger by others. I imagine they would do all they could to help reduce and solve conflicts between people.

Therefore if people with DS ran the world:

■Anger would only be allowed in special sound proof rooms.

■Trained negotiators would be available to everyone to help deal with any conflicts.

■The word “non compliant” would not be used (except as a very rude comment). It would be replaced by “assertive,” as in “he or she is being assertive today.”

What About Self Expression?

■Art and music appreciation would be BIG.

■People would have time to work on paintings and other art projects.

■Acting and theatrical arts would be encouraged for all.

Dancing

■You probably would not hear a great deal about exercise, but you may hear a phrase like, “Dancing tonight … absolutely.”

■The President’s commission on physical fitness would probably recommend dancing at least 3 times per week.

■People would be encouraged to get married several times to have more weddings for more music and dancing.

■Richard Simmons and John Travolta would be national heroes.

Music

■Elvis, The Beatles, and the Beach Boys would still be number 1 on the hit parade (Music of the 60’s, 70’s, and 80’s would be BIG)

■Musicals would be very, very, very, big (such as “Grease,” and “The Sound of Music”)

■John Travolta would be the biggest star.

Television

■Classic TV hits would be very BIG and take up at least half the TV schedules.

■“I Love Lucy,” “Happy Days,” “The Three Stooges,” etc. would be very BIG.

■Wrestling would be very Big.

■“Life Goes On” would also be very Big and replayed regularly.

Movies

■There would be fewer movies, but they would be replayed over and over.

■Movie theaters would allow people to talk out loud to tell what happens next.

No Secret Agents

■People would not hurt the feelings of others and they would also not lie or keep secrets.

■Therefore there probably would be no secret service agents, spies, or terrorists.

The purpose of this article is to give back some of what we have learned to the families and people with Down syndrome who have come to the Adult Down Syndrome Center and who have been so giving and open with us. If people understand more of the special talents people with Down syndrome have, they may be more able to help them use and develop these talents to improve their lives. We also wanted to reassure families of younger children with Down syndrome who are concerned about their child’s future that there is much to be optimistic about.

I look forward to this future with Alex. In many ways she has already developed these special talents, but I believe the best is yet to come!

Suicide is Painless (M.A.S.H Theme)

2010-12-03T14:09:00.000-05:00

Some days

2010-11-13T21:47:00.001-05:00

some days are Fred and Ginger...all champagne, beautiful music, clouds of turquoise silk chiffon and diamonds...some days despite their golden aura, their exquisite beauty are just days for losing your religion...

Honey - In Honor and Remembrance

2010-07-17T12:21:00.004-04:00

Honey

Labor Day Weekend 1995 - July 8, 2010

On a hot Saturday afternoon Alex was outside enjoying spraying everything in sight with his super soaker. He was 10 and happy that there was no school on Monday. I think I was contemplating taking a shower or just being by myself for a few minutes. I heard some commotion outside and Alex was yelling for "Mom."

There, outside on the carport was Alex holding on to the over-sized collar of the dirtiest little dog I had ever seen. She was also the sweetest little dog I had ever seen. My mother found some old belt to use as a leash. We grabbed a bowl for some water. I took off for the local pet store to get some food. She gobbled the food so quickly and lapped up the water and seemed to be very much at ease with us.

I remembered trying to cut some matted fur off...she was badly matted. Once the majority of the mats were removed we took her into the bathtub and started to clean her up. I'm pretty sure we were in the tub for over an hour, as it was shampoo and rinse for several cycles until she was cleaned up.

We did the right thing...trying to find her family. We posted signs and talked to neighbors, placed ads in newspapers, called vets and the humane society...and Alex and I were both secretly praying that no one would respond. No one claimed her and she would make her home with us for the next 15 years.

My mom said she looked like the color of honey...and so she was named. A visit to our vet where Dr. Jane estimated that she was between 6 months and a year and we had her spayed and teeth cleaned and her first grooming where she had to be shaved down because of the mats.

She lived up to that name, being the sweetest dog. We are grateful that she chose us as her family, and I referred to her as my doggee daughter, and Alex's sister. Non-dog people probably rolled their eyes when I would say to Honey to go find her brother...she was much more than a pet, she was a full-fledged member of the family.

She would sit in my lap as I worked on my coursework for my teaching degree. I had just started the program that would lead to my being certified to teach middle grades, and Honey was my muse.

She and Alex were inseparable when he was at home, they walked and played and Honey would often pull him down the street when he roller-bladed.

Honey became a desert dog when we moved to Las Vegas. On the trip out we had to hide her in a duffel bag to smuggle her in to motels that were not dog-friendly. She loved to ride in the car and loved adventures.

In Las Vegas we had to leave her alone for longer periods than we would have liked, my teaching schedule was demanding and when Alex entered high school his activities increased. When we would come in the door Honey would meet us with tail wagging and body vibrating. She was always happy when the pack was home.

We had a great many adventures in the desert. Long walks in our neighborhood, trips to California and Colorado. Honey adopted Alex's friend Ian as a brother and member of the pack. Our years in the desert were good.

Honey was right there with me when I had to move back to Georgia in 2003. We drove the many miles together. I took her into rest stop restrooms with me and we would stretch our legs and take in the scenery.

Alex would rejoin our pack a couple of years later and Honey would welcome her "brother" with tail wagging and seemed to almost wriggle out of her skin when she saw him.

The years just flew by...I became aware that Honey was aging...but with her puppy face and the vet always telling us how healthy she was and how good she looked...I blocked out any thoughts of my Honey getting older.

The very first time Honey had ever refused food was in early 2009. She was scheduled to have her teeth cleaned and I immediately called the vet to get her checked before that appointment. It was determined that she was having gall bladder issues and in February of 2009 she had her gall bladder removed. She did well during and after the surgery. The vets said that her kidney enzymes were elevated and she would be monitored.

Honey recovered well, but I was aware of her slowing down. I reduced the distance of her walks, we watched her diet and changed foods. I became a little more obsessive regarding her health. Alex and I did a lot of research and we refused vaccinations that were not absolutely necessary.

We bought Honey an orthopedic dog bed that was supposed to help relieve stress on joints. We had long ago stopped letting her jump into and out of the car. We increased our doggee massages and lavished more and more love and time. I suppose we knew what was coming, but could not bring ourselves to say anything out loud.

Around the first of June 2010 Honey got up from her bed and was limping. I immediately called the vet and she was seen that afternoon. Dr. Potter commented on how good she looked, and we talked about arthritis and as he looked over her chart he mentioned the elevated kidney enzymes. We left with some topical antibiotics for her ears (she had never had any ear infections that seem to plague many Cocker Spaniels) and a bag of Glucosamine Chondroitin for her 15 year old joints.

A few weeks later Honey started refusing her food and had a spell of diarrhea. I started cooking her food. She would stand in the kitchen as I cooked, waiting for her dish of rice and turkey and ground carrots and peas. She loved it and I loved cooking for her. The diarrhea continued and I took her to the vet.

On June 30 the vet examined her, and ran blood tests. Once again the kidney enzymes were elevated, her white count was up. Honey was really sick.

The vet started her on a IV. We took her to the emergency vet so they could continue the IV and monitor her overnight. I would pick her up the next morning and take her back to the vet for continued IV and monitoring.

Later that afternoon the vet called to say that she had done an ultrasound of Honey's kidneys. What she found was horrifying. Both kidneys were full of cysts. One kidney was covered almost completely by a huge cyst. It was determined that Honey had Polycystic Kidney Disease. It is common in cats and there are a few dog breeds that have it, but there was no literature on Cockers being effected.

The vet would let us take her home and we had antibiotics and some powder to place on her food that would help with breaking down the phosphorus that contributes to the formation of cysts. Honey was on a low-fat, low-protein, low phosphorus diet. There is no cure for Polycystic Kidney Disease.

She did well that weekend. Her appetite was back with a vengeance, we walked a bit and Alex, Honey and I decided we would sleep downstairs with her, as a pack.

I found a recipe for low-fat, low-protein, low-phosphorus dog cookies. The first batch was a disaster, but I picked out some that Honey could eat. She loved them.

On Tuesday July 6, I tried another batch, and was successful. Honey and I baked dog cookies, and she enjoyed them. I really had the best time baking with her. We bagged up some and printed out the recipe and Alex delivered them to the neighbor dogs.

Honey's recheck with the vet was on Wednesday July 7. When Alex brought her home he said "Mom, don't get all weird..." My heart sank. The best case scenario was that Honey would have months...the worst...weeks"

Not long after Alex had brought her back from the vet, I noticed Honey started pacing. She would pace and then rest for a bit and then start pacing again. She began pacing more and more and would end up entangled in furniture and she would try to get in a corner. This behavior would last all of Wednesday and Wednesday night.

We took turns "walking" with her. Holding her when she was able to rest for a time. It was heartbreaking to see. This went on all night and into the next morning.

Alex had a early call on Thursday morning or a public service announcement gig. I took Honey out around 3:30 am and we stayed out for almost an hour. She paced endlessly, she didn't appear to recognize me. She tried to hide in corners and refused to drink, but would take a few sips if I cupped some water in my hand.

Alex reluctantly left for his job around 5 am. Honey finally settled down, and she fell asleep with her head on my arm. We were almost nose to nose. Her soft muzzle was close to my face and I could feel and hear her breathing. Her breath was not doggee at all. It was like a puppy all sweet and pure. I lied there with her gently touching her and cherishing what I knew were my last moments with her. I remember telling her how much I loved her and that it was OK for her to go on. I thought if the universe had any kindness or sense of compassion, it would let her slip away.

Her rest lasted almost an hour. Then the pacing started again. More frantic more heartbreaking to watch. All the time she paced I was with her. I placed a very loose leash on her and guarded her so she would not fall or get stuck. She was refusing the water on my fingertips so I wetted a towel and tried to drip some on her mouth.

At one point during a pacing session, Honey looked up at me. She had the look I had seen from her on the few occasions that I had scolded her. She looked at me as if I had been scolding, the look was wounded, desperate. I told her that she had not done anything wrong...that I loved her and everything was going to be alright...I was saddened beyond belief that she thought I was punishing her.

It was at that point that I knew what must be done. Before that moment, I allowed the thought to enter and then quickly leave. It was now reality. Painful, obvious reality.

The vet's office did not open until 8:00 am. I waited until they opened and called. Dr. Potter returned the call. We discussed the situation and I told him we could call once I had talked to Alex.

Alex called when he was finished with his job. I filled him in on the events and conversation with Dr. Potter.

When Alex got home, he called Dr. Potter. It was agreed that Dr. Potter would come to the house along with a vet tech.

Alex and I sat on the sofa and held Honey on our laps. Her precious head was on his lap and her little tail on mine. She was give a shot to make her sleep. The shot made her yelp and I thought I would die. She was able to relax for the first time in over a day. Once she was sleeping she started snoring and she was our little sleepy puppy once again.

There was a bit of a problem finding a vein. I wanted to go with her. It was very fast. I recall Alex saying she was gone.

There were tears from everyone. Alex carried her out to Dr. Potters car.

Honey was cremated. Her jar is inscribed:

Honey

Beautiful and Noble

Infinitely Beloved

1995 - 2010

Beautiful in Body and Spirit

2010-07-14T10:49:00.004-04:00

The Stuff of Stars

2010-03-27T18:09:00.003-04:00

The only thing I look forward to, the only thing that gives me any amount of hope is looking at the night sky. I am able to feel a odd sense of peace when I look up at the black forever. I am still able to identify a handful of constellations. I can no longer identify single stars.

There is a song from the movie Fame...I Sing The Body Electric...not to be confused with Walt Whitman's I Sing The Body Electric, or Ray Bradbury's short story collection and a short story by the same name.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XIiK5NRjvUY

I took that song to mean something very personal...the story of death and reincarnation...not reincarnation as a human but being born into the Universe when released from the gravity of earth...when I look up at the night sky I see my family, my friends that are all gone from this Earth but born again into the Universe as what Carl Sagan called "Star Stuff."

There is also an Eskimo proverb: “Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.”

I want to fold in to space...become star stuff...as I am tired, weary and am giving up on this earthly hell.

We've been fortunate...up to now

2010-02-02T17:13:00.002-05:00

I've learned that the son of a cousin has died. We've been fortunate in not losing any of our young people...the last child to die (Dad's side of the family) was little Tammy in late 1968 or early 1969. She died during surgery to try to correct a heart defect.

This boy is the only son of Judy and Alan...evidently it was a drug overdose...so very very sad...Alan has been out of the country...he and Judy have been divorced for years...I don't know how long...Alan is my cousin, but Judy has always felt like the real cousin...my heart breaks for both of them...but as a mother I just cannot imagine what she is going through...I have no idea what I will say to her...

I hate drugs...I hate that our young people get involved with them...I hate that we can't seem to help them...

Here is the link to the notice:

http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/gainesvilletimes/obituary.aspx?n=gregory-alan-martin&pid=139303880

Faye makes the front page

2010-01-15T17:27:00.000-05:00

Faye made the front page of the local newspaper.

http://www.gainesvilletimes.com/news/article/28346/

The snow is falling

2010-01-07T14:53:00.000-05:00

The snow started around 1400 (2:00 pm Eastern) at first gently, tentatively...now happily and intensely.

Beautiful...

Snow...

2010-01-06T15:00:00.000-05:00

We are all abuzz here at the feet of the Blue Ridge...snow is in the forecast for tomorrow.

Snow is a rarity...I think I can count on one hand the number of times I can remember real snow when I've been here.

We usually just get those pesky and dangerous ice storms that bring down power lines and rupture water mains and wreck havoc throughout the land.

Snow, real snow would be wonderful.

I love the quiet, the starkness, the void, lack of shadows...purity for a fleeting moment.

When I headed off to Boulder to attend the University of Colorado I was so excited about the snow. I was ill-attired as I recall. I had wool coats and gloves and some jaunty little hats. The problem with wool is that it gets wet and soggy.

Right after that first snow in Boulder it was off to the mall to get properly winterized. Much to my new friends horror I opted for a bright orange fake-down jacket from Montgomery Ward. I was teased unmercifully about that jacket. I had no idea that it was intended for hunters. I can remember sitting in one of those huge lecture classes. It was astrogeophysics 112 and I was in the nose bleed section of the lecture hall sitting with a fellow southener, a sweet boy from North Carolina. The TA way down on the floor in front of the lectern even made some remark about the orange jacket on row whatever.

I loved that jacket, and became somewhat of a celebrity for it. But, when returning home for Christmas, I gave in and bought a real down jacket in the same blue as every other person in Boulder. Believe it or not, I still have that blue jacket. The orange one was passed around and I imagine it ended up being barn wear or stable wear years ago.

The school superintendents have already called for early release of students for tomorrow. I called Faye's day care and said she would not be attending tomorrow, it will just be easier for us to keep her home. They are supposed to follow the county school schedule, but the volunteer I talked to when I called to cancel Faye said they didn't follow the schedule for early-release. Duh? I wonder if she had talked to the director? Faye is able and mobile, but all those little old ladies and men that attend the day care are fragile, and 99 percent of them have dementia and Alzheimers. It would make sense to close or follow the early release. Keeping Faye home means one less person they will have to wrangle.

I imagine the hunt for snow day supplies is starting to heat up. The requisite bread and milk are what the masses will be in search of. Here, it will be cheese, sourdough bread, Merlot, and pop corn.

gainesvilletimes.com - Forecaster: Conditions ‘perfect’ for snow on Thursday

2010-01-06T14:56:00.000-05:00

gainesvilletimes.com - Forecaster: Conditions ‘perfect’ for snow on Thursday

English Translation of The Shema

2010-01-04T13:49:00.000-05:00

Hear, O Israel, the L-rd is our G-d, the L-rd is One.

Blessed be the name of the glory of His kingdom forever and ever.

You shall love the L-rd your G-d with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your might. And these words which I command you today shall be upon your heart. You shall teach them thoroughly to your children, and you shall speak of them when you sit in your house and when you walk on the road, when you lie down and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign upon your hand, and they shall be for a reminder between your eyes. And you shall write them upon the doorposts of your house and upon your gates.

And it will be, if you will diligently obey My commandments which I enjoin upon you this day, to love the L-rd your G-d and to serve Him with all your heart and with all your soul, I will give rain for your land at the proper time, the early rain and the late rain, and you will gather in your grain, your wine and your oil. And I will give grass in your fields for your cattle, and you will eat and be sated. Take care lest your heart be lured away, and you turn astray and worship alien gods and bow down to them. For then the L-rd's wrath will flare up against you, and He will close the heavens so that there will be no rain and the earth will not yield its produce, and you will swiftly perish from the good land which the L-rd gives you. Therefore, place these words of Mine upon your heart and upon your soul, and bind them for a sign on your hand, and they shall be for a reminder between your eyes. You shall teach them to your children, to speak of them when you sit in your house and when you walk on the road, when you lie down and when you rise. And you shall inscribe them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates - so that your days and the days of your children may be prolonged on the land which the L-rd swore to your fathers to give to them for as long as the heavens are above the earth.

The L-rd spoke to Moses, saying: Speak to the children of Israel and tell them to make for themselves fringes on the corners of their garments throughout their generations, and to attach a thread of blue on the fringe of each corner. They shall be to you as tzizit, and you shall look upon them and remember all the commandments of the L-rd and fulfill them, and you will not follow after your heart and after your eyes by which you go astray - so that you may remember and fulfill all My commandments and be holy to your G-d. I am the L-rd your G-d who brought you out of the land of Egypt to be your G-d; I, the L-rd, am your G-d. True.

*The Shema is an affirmation of Judaism and a declaration of faith in one G-d. The obligation to recite the Shema is separate from the obligation to pray and a Jew is obligated to say Shema in the morning and at night (Deut. 6:7).

A prayer for healing

2010-01-03T17:15:00.000-05:00

G-d, hear my prayer,
And let my cry come to You.
Do not hide from me in the day of my distress
Turn to me and speedily answer my prayer.
Eternal G-d, Source of healing,
Out of my distress I call upon You.
Help me sense Your presence
At this difficult time.
Grant me patience when the hours are heavy;
In hurt or disappointment give me courage.
Keep me trustful in Your love.
Give me strength for today, and hope for tomorrow.
To your loving hands I commit my spirit
When asleep and when awake. You are with me; I shall not fear.

A prayer for the ill

2010-01-02T15:55:00.000-05:00

I know there are those in the world that are ill, here is a prayer. The explanation for this particular prayer can be found at:

http://www.myjewishlearning.com/texts/Liturgy_and_Prayers/Siddur_Prayer_Book/Torah_Service/Prayer_for_the_Sick.shtml

May the One who blessed our ancestors --

Patriarchs Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob,

Matriarchs Sarah, Rebecca, Rachel, and Leah --

bless and heal the one who is ill:

________________ son/daughter of ________________ .

May the Holy Blessed One

overflow with compassion upon him/her,

to restore him/her,

to heal him/her,

to strengthen him/her,

to enliven him/her.

The One will send him/her, speedily,

a complete healing --

healing of the soul and healing of the body --

along with all the ill,

among the people of Israel and all humankind,

soon,

speedily,

without delay,

and let us all say: Amen!

The first day of a new year...

2010-01-01T14:43:00.000-05:00

I spent the greater part of the morning reading over some material regarding psychoses and affective disorders in my old psychiatry textbook. I started a MA in Psychology a million years ago and didn't get too far into it...but finishing it is sometimes on my mind.

The research I'm sure is dated, as the textbooks have a copyright from 1986...and I know that we no longer use certain terms...I am always searching to find answers as to why I am the way I am...in hope that if I understand myself I will be able to help myself...the section on suicide was most interesting...

I allowed myself a little bit of hope because of the new year and all...was able to ignore a few of my mom's barbs and though it is very cold for this area, the sun is shining and the sky is a pretty light blue.

Then...my phone rings...it is Alex calling from his work...something is wrong with his car...he has just paid several thousand dollars, actually, he had to place the charges on a credit card as neither one of us have any real money. He will need to get in touch with the mechanic who was supposed to fix it, and of course he will have to borrow my rigged-up vehicle to get to his church choir on Sunday morning and then he just sounded like garbled wah wah wahing...my mood dropped through the floor...the headache became more pronounced, the feelings of gloom and despair weighed down...it just isn't going to change...I am unable to take much more...

I think of Job, the story in the Bible, though I'm not all that familiar with the story and I am NOT comparing myself to him, I do know that he was being tested by satan to prove his devotion and allegiance to G-d.

I will go and read the story so I am sure I understand it.

If I am being tested, I imagine it will get much more difficult than broken cars and lack of money and a job...will I pass? Will I give in? What unholy thing have I done to bring this on?

How I envy those people that can see only good and positives in everything. How I envy those people that never question adversity and plod along with Jeanne d'Arc unfaltering faith and belief...

I must find something to keep me afloat here, for a bit...

Happy New Year and to 2009...Don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya

2009-12-31T20:58:00.002-05:00

My old friend Janine used to say that...don't let the door hit ya...I don't hear from her anymore...I have lost touch with so many people...my fault...I didn't want to burden people with my misery.

I hope I can start to turn that around...I need to take baby steps in that process. Something to work on...

I'm glad to see this year end...so much that was sad and bad.

I hope the New Year blesses everyone with happiness, health and wisdom...and me, I need money and a job.

Happy New Year

Merry Christmas

2009-12-25T16:11:00.002-05:00

Merry Christmas

Thank you for your wishes of good will and love and caring.

Remember that most of what is happening is my own doing...there are so many people that deserve your prayers and good thoughts more than I...innocents that have done nothing to deserve their station in life...

I cannot thank you enough for your love and caring, but I don't know that I deserve it...considering there are so many that have nothing...

Missing my dear friend and Merry Christmas to All

2009-12-24T17:12:00.002-05:00

Hey there Sister Golden Hair...miss you muchly...

Merry Christmas on All

The absolutely fabulous trinity

2009-12-22T09:26:00.005-05:00

I have tried to practise lucid dreaming for sometime now...you know, creating and directing your dreams. I haven't been very successful lately. But last night as I tried to wind down in order to get to sleep a thought entered my mind...I don't know how it found room.

Anyway, I was thinking...Dame Judi Dench, Jessica Tandy or in my wildest dreams, Annie Lennox.

As my hair is almost totally white, having turned so much in the past year, I was thinking who I would like to become.

My last haircut was in August, very very close to my head, and even had a smart ass store clerk referred to me as sir. It's now grown out to what most people would consider short. So, if I was going for Dame Judi it would just need to be neatened up a bit. If I wanted to go for Annie Lennox I would need to have something put on it to make it more platinum and have it sheared up a bit. If I want to go for Jessica Tandy, I need to keep the shears away and let it grow out. I hate letting hair grow. And mine grows so excruciatingly slow.

I really like all three of those ladies. They each have qualities that are special to me and in my dreams I would be the magnificent combination of that fabulous trinity.

When I was teaching in Las Vegas, I had very long hair (I cut it all off after I moved back here) and I would normally pull it back. I went through almost every hair color there was during those years, my favorite red, the kids (my students) liked the blonde...go figure. Anyway, I remember a couple of my darlings commenting on my hair one day and saying I looked like the chimp lady...they were referring of course, to Jane Goodall...at first I was appalled, as she had to be like 70, and I was not even 50 at that time. But it was the hair, she pulled back her hair and we both have similar features.

I will be deciding which one I will let direct my hair..I should add that my mom hates short hair...and didn't stop coloring her hair until she was in her mid-seventies.

Judi, Jessica or Annie?

Mourning things that never were

2009-12-18T09:43:00.002-05:00

This is the first year I did not celebrate Hanukkah, and it looks like we will not celebrate Christmas either.

I feel sorry for Faye, because even though she is 54 she is really
(on a good day) 3. I am glad they have decorations and trees and all that at her day care. They really go out to make sure the clients, as they are called, are cared for, entertained and fed. It really is a wonderful place and I'm glad she is able to attend.

I lied for years and years and ever about having a wonderful family. I lied about how nice and sweet my mom was and how she would do and say all these wonderfully supportive things.

I stopped lying a few years ago. Maybe its all my fault. Maybe if I start lying again I can make things good. No, that's how I got myself into this mess, lying. Had I been able to see things for what they are and not as how I would have liked them to be I could have avoided this whole stupid thing.

I offered to take Faye to day care this morning. Since Alex wrecked my car (he is having it rigged-repaired right now) mom has taken and picked up Faye - she doesn't trust me with her stupid little truck. Anyway, she barked at me and said something about she was used to waiting. I had no idea what it meant.

Any offer of help or show of kindness is met with harsh words and a pinched and angry face. Alex says he simply cannot take it much longer. He has nowhere to go, just like me. So we try to go about our business and stay out of her way.

When I had a tiny little kitchen in Las Vegas, it would be stuffed with Alex, Ian and I and often other friends. We would cook and wash and have the best times.

The kitchen here is much larger, but if she is in it, we all must leave as she shouts there is not enough room. There is plenty of room she just doesn't want us near her.

I overheard her on the phone the other day, gushing and being ever so sweet and nice, it was one of the people she used to work with. The man sends her cards and the family sends her pictures of their children, which she displays and remarks about how wonderful they are. She has all sorts of information about their lives, how the children do in school, their activities, sports... yet she knows nothing about us, about me, she cares not.

I have been thinking if I outlive her, how will I ever find her boys. I know their names, and that when she married my dad they lived with us for awhile, and then they went to live with their father. Does she ever communicate with them? Does she hate us so because she had to trade them for us? All questions and no answers.

That has always been the case, her love for other people and their children but not her own.

I remember when she told us that she wished she had never had us. I must have been around 18 or 19 and that would have made Lisa still in High School at 15 or 16. Lisa had already shut down after our dad died. So, I know it had to impact her, but she didn't react. Me, things like that wound me forever, and haunt me especially at night.

Alex once said when he was still rather small that Aunt Lisa was the smart one in the family, because she got out. She has created her own life, she never calls or comes by and basically has nothing to do with any of us.

My stupid sense of duty and responsibility has brought me nothing but pain. I wish I had been able to leave and disconnect like Lisa. Alex is right, she is the smart one in the family.

It is dark and cold and rainy and dismal...feeds right into my mood.

I must escape this somehow, someway.

I could have them place Faye in a nursing home, and then I could pack up what little I have left and just flee.

Then Esther would be free from us and she can have whatever it is she wants.

What does it take to get a State job (any job) in Georgia?

2009-12-16T10:16:00.005-05:00

A nice lady suggested I look into State jobs...In the past 6 years, I have applied for 46 jobs (it seemed like there were more...one loses track). Out of those 46 jobs I think I got three interviews.

I must have applied for at least 200 hundred other jobs, ranging from no degree required or HS/GED.

Every day, I visit the State Jobs Site, the Georgia Department of Labor Site, Craigslist, and individual agency/company/industry sites...I use the newspaper want ads, I exhausted my contacts a long time ago...I use the Fed's Site...Monster, Career yadda yadda yadda...when I had a car I looked for signs in windows... It is certainly not for trying that I haven't found a job. The economy sucks, people are continuing to move out of the area, teachers are being let go, businesses are closing at a accelerated rate. I am waiting for the big black dust clouds to start blowing in.

I just feel like listing the 46 State jobs I have applied for, for fun.
They keep a list of them just to let you know what a big loser you are.

Note: Below are State of Georgia jobs for which you have applied in the past. The applications having the Screening Type of Resume Review, although in history, are still available to State agency recruiters for consideration and review. In contrast, the applications for the Screening Types of both Qualifications Assessment and Scored Evaluation are not available to recruiters as the evaluation or score has expired.

My Jobs History list contains 46 job(s).
Job Title Screening Type Last Action

Administrative Assistant 427-60104ba [Details] Resume Review 3/11/2005

Administrative Specialist 1 427-60011ab [Details] Resume Review 9/24/2003

Child Support Enforcement Supe 427-14402ae [Details] Resume Review 2/18/2004

Child Support Services Agent 2 427-14401cs [Details] Resume Review 10/1/2008

Child Support Services Agent 2 427-14401ct [Details] Resume Review 10/1/2008

Clerk 2, General 371-60108bw [Details] Resume Review 11/1/2006

Clerk 2, General 461-60108cb [Details] Resume Review 10/1/2008

Communicable Disease Spec 128-70502am [Details] Resume Review 4/23/2004

Communicable Disease Specialis 427-70502ay [Details] Resume Review 9/11/2003

Community Resource Coordinator 364-70209au [Details] Qualifications Assessment 9/15/2004

Crime Victim Compensation Spec 471-14686ac [Details] Resume Review 12/4/2003

DFCS Medicaid Eligibility Spec 127-14405jb [Details] Resume Review 11/1/2006

District Liaison/PHSO Program 427-70002gv [Details] Resume Review 3/11/2005

Family Independence Case Mgr 1 127-14412yl [Details] Resume Review 11/1/2006

Family Independence Case Mgr 1 127-14412wj [Details] Resume Review 3/3/2006

Family Independence Case Mgr 1 127-14412xx [Details] Resume Review 11/1/2006

Family Independence Case Mgr 1 127-14412nl [Details] Resume Review 8/10/2004

HR Consultant 2 (GTA) 980-06016aa [Details] Resume Review 2/18/2004

Instructor 2 (DJJ) 461-11403ax [Details] Qualifications Assessment 9/14/2006

Instructor 2 (DJJ) 461-11403al [Details] Resume Review 11/4/2003

Juvenile Correctional Officer 461-17246df [Details] Resume Review 1/27/2004

Juvenile Probation/Parole Spec 461-17422bg [Details] Qualifications Assessment 8/2/2006

Juvenile Probation/Parole Spec 461-17423aa [Details] Scored Evaluation 10/16/2009

Legislative Information Specia 430-95513aa [Details] Resume Review 11/4/2003

ORS Standards Surveyor- Atlant 427-19619bc [Details] Resume Review 2/18/2004

ORS Standards Surveyor- Gaines 427-19619bd [Details] Resume Review 8/10/2004

PAROLE OFFICER 465-17527aa [Details] Scored Evaluation 10/16/2009

Personal Advocate 427-14008an [Details] Resume Review 10/1/2008

PH Educator 128-70701cc [Details] Resume Review 12/30/2005

Pre-Release Coordinator 467-14102aa [Details] Resume Review 12/4/2003

PROBATION OFFICER I/II 467-17502aa [Details] Scored Evaluation 10/16/2009

Program Assistant (DHR) 427-60112uw [Details] Resume Review 3/3/2006

Social Serv Tech 2 371-70923cf [Details] Resume Review 12/31/2003

Social Serv Tech 2 371-70923dr [Details] Qualifications Assessment 6/20/2007

Social Serv Tech 3 364-70922au [Details] Qualifications Assessment 6/15/2004

Social Serv Tech 3 364-70922bk [Details] Qualifications Assessment 7/5/2006

Social Service Technician 3 364-70922bn [Details] Qualifications Assessment 9/27/2006

Social Services Tech 1, Child 369-70924bl [Details] Resume Review 4/23/2004

Social Services Tech 3 364-70922aw [Details] Qualifications Assessment 12/15/2004

Social Services Tech 3 371-70922ai [Details] Resume Review 9/23/2003

Staff Develop/Trng Coord 2 461-16911ad [Details] Resume Review 11/1/2006

Staff Development/Training Coo 440-16911ab [Details] Resume Review 3/11/2005

Teacher SWD-10202aa [Details] Qualifications Assessment 2/9/2004

Teacher (DHR) 427-10204an [Details] Resume Review 11/1/2006

Veteran's Benefits Counselor 488-14447ay [Details] Resume Review 11/11/2003

Veteran's Benefits Counselor 488-14447ca [Details] Qualifications Assessment 12/21/2006

G-d

2009-12-09T15:05:00.000-05:00

I believe in G-d

I want that made understood.

I have had many lapses of my Faith over the years.

I am struggling right now.

Here is what I don't understand...my inability to find a job. I moved back to my mother's in order to help her out with my sister. I thought that would take about a school year and then I would go back to Nevada or somewhere and reclaim my life. Over six years later, I have not been able to find a full-time job (save the unfortunate experience of the sleep lab).

The New Teacher Project screwed me over when I had been working for them and doing the job of the of the manager when she quit - and then applied for and interviewed and was rejected, and still had to do the job until I managed to grow a pair and quit. I allowed myself to be used.

It took almost 6 months to find another job after that, and I loved working for the Psychologist...and then he came in one day and announced that he was going to retire...the end of the month.

I took the sleep lab job out of sheer desperation. It made me sick, and it has taken almost 8 months to reset my internal clock.

I have applied and applied and sent resume after resume to no avail. The competition for jobs here is incredible.

I take care of my sister as best I can. Doctor appointments, dentist, eye doctor, see that she is clothed, fed, entertained (as best I can these days), see that she gets to her day care.

I try to help out with mom...mostly by staying out of her way...but trying to keep the house and yard as tidy as possible. Clean is no longer a big priority with me, as my energy is waning. So, I settle for tidy.

I have no transportation...Alex wrecked my car and neither one of us have the cash to repair it and both of us are up to our throats in credit card debt.

Alex has just learned that the transmission in his car needs to be replaced (he already had it reworked or whatever the phrasing is) and neither of us have the money for that.

We have found a mechanic who has agreed to rig up something for my Jeep that will at least make it street-legal and driveable for a time.

Alex's work is about 30 or so miles away from here (round-trip would be 60 something miles per day) when he is in rehearsal that means a trip into the city and that means another 25 miles from his work and from here...I'm tired of numbers...I hate numbers...

So, my question is...what am I doing wrong? Is it fair to even think that I should expect G-d to help me when I am such a whiner. Afterall, there are people with no homes, children starving, people sick and dying...my life when compared to those who have nothing seems pretty sweet.

Stephen Fry says something about it being reprehensible to wallow in self-pity...I really don't want to wallow...but here I am...wallow wallow wallow...fester fester fester...loser loser loser.

Why can't I hear G-d...what am I doing wrong?

Searching For Intelligent Life: Just because my sister is a tard, that doesn't mean I am

2009-12-08T17:33:00.000-05:00

Searching For Intelligent Life: Just because my sister is a tard, that doesn't mean I am
tards, stupid people

Pouring Rain...

2009-11-05T13:26:00.002-05:00

Alex woke us all early this morning with the most mournful cries.

Mom ignored him and complained to me.

He reported the "worst pain ever" and was crying.

He just called from the doctor. Perforated eardrum and a raging
infection.

Alex is only concerned with the possibility of the infection moving
to his throat or vocal chords and then he won't be able to sing.

Opening night for the Opera is November 14. Hopefully he will be fine
by then.

One of our grocery markets gives free prescriptions for antibiotics.
Thank you Publix! Hopefully the Cipro will clear this up.

When it rains...it pours...

I shudder to think what misfortune lies around the corner for us.

2009-11-04T12:41:00.002-05:00

Mom (Esther) ~ Suzanne ~ Auntie Vi (Viola) This is a nice picture of my mom, a niece from California and Auntie Vi from her 90th Birthday Celebration. The niece, Suzanne is the daughter of their late brother Raymond.

Suzanne and her husband traveled from California to Minnesota.

Mom reported the plane trip over was difficult, the return was easier. Evidently, mom had to be very assertive with a few Delta employees who argued with her about her seat placement. Stupid employees, just because she has white hair and is 88 does not mean that she will not stand up to anyone who she feels has overstepped their bounds. That is one trait I wish I had inherited.

Alex has wrecked my Jeep. I don't know if I will ever get the truth. I thought we were through all the lies. I don't understand why, when the truth is the easiest course, that people lie. He had asked to borrow it because he said his car was making odd noises and was in need of an oil change. Because the trip to rehearsal is over 100 miles round trip, I agreed that he should take it.

He woke me Sunday morning with a "Mom, someone has hit your car." The moment I saw it I knew it had not been hit on our street, as there was no debris about. I asked him what happened, and the lies started. He didn't know, it must've been on the street where the party was. He became angrier and angrier and nasty and surly. It was as if the nightmare of his High School years were coming back. I became sick to my stomach and thought I was going to vomit right there on the street for all the neighbors to view.

After much yammering back-and-forth, and police coming out (Alex called them) it was determined (I already knew) that the Jeep had not been side-swiped by another vehicle, but had been driven into some sort of concrete object. The police confronted him with his lie, so I didn't have to. That is narcissist in its full twisted glory, they think they are smarter than everyone else, and we will believe their lies.

The police called the State Patrol who came to inspect the car and confront Alex. The officer told me at my indication he would arrest him for fraudulent reporting of an accident and failure to report the incident when it happened.

Alex, all puffy and full of himself (having been caught in his lie) said go ahead and take me to jail. The police and the officer were probably thrilled to take him up on his ridiculous remark.

I could not see where anything positive would come from it. I would have to get an attorney and pay for the that, and then there would be bail to get him out of jail. I declined as I have about 22 dollars to my name.

Now I have a wrecked vehicle, no transportation, no way to get to a job interview, if one ever comes. I am hesitant to use the insurance company, as I know the rates will go sky high. And since I came back here I have been hit twice by stupid drivers. The first accident when a stupid boy rear-ended it whilst it was parked on the street. The second when I was working in Atlanta and having to drive back and forth everyday in the most horrid traffic. A stupid woman rear-ended me on the freeway and my neck and back were injured in that one. Even though I was not at fault, and the offending driver's insurance paid for the repairs, they count accidents and this would make 3 for my now 11 year old Jeep. Something about 3 accidents and the age of the vehicle, and surcharges and all sorts of legalese/insurancese that makes my head spin.

Alex created this chaos, and I want him to deal with it. I just am not emotionally able to deal with this. I hate to admit that I am unable to control my emotions, but this is just too much right now.

The only bit of truth to come out is he admitted that he hit something. He says he fell asleep whilst returning from a party after Opera rehearsal. He muttered something about being up for 14 hours or something. I didn't express my thought that if he was that tired he should have foregone the party and gone straight home after rehearsal.

I went through much of the same with his father for the 10 years we were married. Lie after lie after lie. There must be some genetic connection, because I certainly did not intend to raise a liar. I realised that after I questioned myself about "where did I fail in parenting?"

At least things are better with mom. She seems a bit softer and has not been all that abusive to me since she returned from her trip. Thank you G-d!

I hope she realised, being away for a week, that I am not the enemy.

Happy Birthday to my only remaining Auntie

2009-10-13T16:50:00.002-04:00

I'm a bad person. I will explain.

October 22 will be my only remaining Auntie's birthday. She will be 90. Auntie V is my mother's only living sibling. I know it must be really hard on them. There were eight and now only two.

Here's why I am a bad person. My mother is going to go to Auntie V's birthday celebration. She will leave on October 21 and return on the 26. That means we will be on our own here for almost a week! Almost a week without ugly looks and nasty remarks. A chance to be pain free (I hope) and a chance to recover and heal a bit.

At first mom had asked me to go along. Part of me really wanted to. But then it became so difficult. Finances are tight, and it was impossible to find someone to stay with Faye. She doesn't need nursing care, but the minute you mention Down Syndrome and her age, prospective candidates simply freaked out.

Nursing care became the only option available. But since she goes to day care during the day, supervision and routine care would only be needed in the evening and morning. It seemed ridiculous (and we couldn't afford the 175.00) that we would be charged so much for each "day".

I mentioned to mom that between Alex and Lisa (other sister) they could work out something. That only angered mom and sent her into a tirade at me. Lisa has never offered to help out with Faye or mom. That's just the way it is, the way it has always been.

I know it's awful for me to be happy that she is going away. I hope she will be ok. I will take her to the airport and pick her up on her return. I will worry about her trying to navigate about. I hope and pray that she will have a good time.

She used to travel constantly, and so enjoyed it. We always knew she liked us better when we weren't around. But she hasn't traveled since she had the accident that caused the spine fracture that required surgery, and the fall down the stairs the following year. She really has done quite well (physically) considering all that. However, her life-style changed so much that all she seems to have left is anger, bitterness and hatred. She still talks about work...that was always her love. Some people shouldn't have children.

Zachary

2009-09-25T15:56:00.002-04:00

We were at the Vet's office on Thursday afternoon in September of 2004. I was in the car waiting for Alex to come out. I can't remember if we were picking up Honey after a grooming or an appointment. I saw Zach come up from the lower parking lot, and we waved at each other.

Friday night...I heard sirens, lots and lots of sirens...I recalled thinking that something horrible must be happening. It must've been around midnight when I heard them.

My mother, annoyed as usual at the phone call, said that Alan was on the telephone. He sounded frantic and upset. He said Zach had been in an accident and they were at the hospital. Evidently, Elizabeth Ann must've called Alex on his cell phone and said for us not to come to the hospital. That her mother didn't want us there.

Alex and I went to the hospital and the ER people directed us to a little room. Alan said "He's gone."

Zach was showing his friends his new gun. A hand gun. According to the story his sister Elizabeth Ann told Zach he shouldn't be playing with a gun, what if it was loaded.

Zach supposedly said, "If it was loaded I couldn't do this." He held it to his head and pulled the trigger. It was loaded.

Later, Alan said that there was just this tiny little hole on the side of Zach's head...and he just looked like he was sleeping.

Zach's mother and I had been friends forever...since we were little girls and I would visit my grandmother when we came from California to Georgia in the summers. High School and college. We were thrilled we both had little boys the same year.

Zach and Alex had been friends since they were in preschool. Alex was 5 months older than Zach.

When we moved to Nevada, the boys kept in touch with email and phone calls. The first thing Alex wanted to do when we came back for visits was to go see Zach.

Alex had moved back to Georgia in May of 2004. He and Zach didn't see each other as much as they had in the past. Alex was working, and Zach was still trying to find his place in the world. They had several months together, and Alex says he believes that is why he came back to Georgia.

Alex did not go over to the house that night, and I am so thankful for that.

I just didn't want to let this day pass without remembering him.

Zachary Alan Carter
July 1985 - September 25, 2004
He was 19 years old.

I love you Zach and we miss you still.

September 24, 1970

2009-09-23T22:48:00.003-04:00

On September 24, 1970 my Dad was killed in an automobile accident.

He was 43 years old.

In Memory Cecil Clinton Sheriff Sund
July 13, 1927 - September 24, 1970

Cutest Dog Competition

2009-08-30T15:43:00.001-04:00

Alex's Dreams...Slowly Coming True

2009-08-14T11:47:00.003-04:00

Alexander

Last Spring he performed with the Atlanta Opera in a production of The Flying Dutchman as a supernumerary dancer. All that ballet and dance training from ages 4 to 12 helped him get the small part. He was thrilled and I've never seen him so committed, so happy.

After I came back from New York, he said he wanted to audition for the Opera Chorus. He had fallen in love with opera. He took voice lessons for a little over a month and learned an aria in German and two other pieces. He doesn't speak German, he took French in High School and he had never had singing lessons...the last time I remember him singing was in 5th grade as chorus was part of the special courses rotation. Am I gushing? He learned an aria in German in one month!

When he was 12 I took him to New York for a theatre week. Yep, I was one of those parents that took children out of school for special trips. We saw The Barber of Seville opening night at The Met. I thought it would be a good introduction to opera because it is a comedy and has many silly and fun moments. We also saw an off-Broadway production called When Pigs Fly and Les Miserables. It took 12 years for the opera to kick in.

Fast forward through a lot of hot messes with my only child over the years...

Alex will have his first singing role with the Atlanta Opera in their production of Orfeo ed Eurydice. He will be singing in Italian, and is busy learning the music. He does not sight-read so he is doing this all by ear.

He studied dance from 4 through 12 and danced in many ballets during those years, he has studied Suzuki violin, played the trumpet and has had several small extra parts in movies being shot in Atlanta, so he is not totally unfamiliar with performing. The role also calls for him to dance (again, thanks mom for making me take ballet) so he will be well tested for this performance.

He continues to work at the chocolate store, and he is a great help to me as I continue to care for my sister and my mom.

Again, I have never seen him so happy, so focused so committed.

Leaving Today

2009-05-02T10:57:00.003-04:00

Start spreading the news, Im leaving today
I want to be a part of it - New York, New York
These vagabond shoes
are longing to stray
Right through the very heart of it - New York, New York

I wanna wake up in a city, that doesnt sleep
And find Im king of the hill - top of the heap

These little town blues, are melting away
Ill make a brand new start of it - in old New York
If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere
Its up to you - New York, New York

New York, New York
I want to wake up in a city, that never sleeps
And find Im a number one top of the list, king of the hill
A - number one

These little town blues, are melting away
Im gonna make a brand new start of it - in old New York
And if I can make it there, Im gonna make it anywhere

It up to you - New York New York

It didn't take her long to start...

2009-04-20T13:01:00.003-04:00

My last night at the job was last Thursday. I got home around 7:00 am Friday morning. I've been slowly attacking all the tasks that have been "undone" since late last November when I started the job.

Well, it didn't take her long to start in on me. My attitude is bad...I have a tone...it goes on and on...

Evidently, Alex left his shampoo and conditioner in the bath tub, along with some of his hair. His hair is below his shoulders and will remain so until the opera is over. She asked where he was and if he planned on coming back. I responded to where he currently is and then she started on about his hair...didn't he know if it goes down the drain - the drain will be clogged...drain cleaner costs money...why does he do that...yadda yadda yadda.

So, I went upstairs, picked up the shampoo and conditioner and placed them in the shower caddy and then retrieved the hair and threw it away...walked back downstairs and announced that I had picked all the things up...and then the hate spewed over...where does this come from? What is the real source? Why am I always on the receiving end?

She went on and on about how hard she works around here, and what all she has to do...I'm sure she believes that...the truth is, she doesn't do anything to speak of...and we don't expect her to do anything...we don't want her to do anything...I've always been in charge of cleaning - inside and out for as long as I can remember...and I'm trying to catch up as quickly as I can...but you know what...it won't make any difference. She will still find things to complain about and attack us...its sad...really sad...when she started in again, I felt those old feelings...but somehow I was able to fend off what usually ensues when she starts...I don't want to go back there...I somehow must resist those feelings and inclinations...I so have to get out of here...this walking on egg shell business is hard work...it sucks out your soul and leaves you gasping for breath...for life...

It will hit you when you least expect it...

2009-04-19T19:23:00.002-04:00

I am desperately in need of things...things like body lotion and shampoo and assorted things like that. I was in the process of placing an online order when the ship to: box popped up...and the name was Cheryl's (Sister Golden Hair). It completely caught me off guard. She and I had been exchanging presents or "pressies" as Cheryl called them for about 10 years...I suddenly felt so empty knowing that she was not here...and that I would never again be able to send her a little "pressie"...

It will hit you when you least expect it...

I Will Be Soon Taking The A Train Up To Sugar Hill

2009-04-08T10:40:00.004-04:00

Ian and I will be taking the A Train up to Sugar Hill during the first weekend in May.

If you are of a certain age, or if you love Jazz...you've heard the song...

I cannot wait to go...I cannot wait to see Ian...its been a long five years since we last shared each other's company...we will have five days together...

Sugar Hill Brownstones

Duke Ellington

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bHRbEhLj540

Take The A Train
Duke Ellington, Charles Mingus

You must take the A train

To go to Sugar Hill way up in Harlem
If you miss the A train

You'll find you missed the quickest way to Harlem
Hurry, get on, now it's coming

Listen to those rails a-humming
All aboard, get on the A train

Soon you will be on Sugar Hill in Harlem

So Much Tragedy

2009-04-06T18:46:00.003-04:00

Today I learned that the son of my dear friend, Sister Golden Hair, has died. It was on March 11 that Sister Golden Hair left us. I cannot imagine the pain that her dear husband must be feeling to have lost his wife and now his son.

I am literally numb.

I have no words for this.

I have nothing eloquent or even appropriate to say.

What does one say at a time like this?

So much tragedy...so much sadness...so much pain.

I Quit!

2009-03-26T09:13:00.002-04:00

I did it...I quit...turned my resignation in on March 17...last night will be April 17.

Have the powers-that-be acknowledged my resignation? Of course not...the most unprofessional pack of people I have ever encountered in my life. They have no clue why they cannot keep their employees. The only clue to me that they know I am leaving is the dates I was supposed to work for the next 8 weeks were crossed out and assigned to the others. I must admit that I am pleased that the manager had to do a little work reassigning those dates.

How is it that the stupid get in positions of power?

The nasty, threatening memos are the most insidious of the long list of things these people hand out to us. There is nothing that I will miss about working as a sleep night tech.

Sister Golden Hair Is At The Beach

2009-03-11T23:15:00.003-04:00

Cyndi Lauper - Girls Just Want To Have Fun (Official Music Video) - Funny videos are here

For Sister Golden Hair, a force of nature...a girl that knew how to have fun...on the beach and forever young, strong, healthy and looking fabulous!

Sister Golden Hair Is On Her Way

2009-03-09T11:00:00.003-04:00

Hey there Sister Golden Hair... my friend and more like a sister...come and visit me in my dreams and make me laugh and smile...there is a spot on the beach waiting for you...always warm and sunny, where you can run and hike and kayak. You are so loved...and one day I hope to join you on that beach, so you can teach me to kayak and be silly and free.

Lots of hugs and crazyllamalove!

Always,

EMA

PS...I know you are a big parrot head, but I thought you would like your song here on my little blog...I hope you like it...even though I know you said that it was boring at times...one thing is for sure, you are never boring...may your journey to the beach be swift and painless...don't forget what I said, and please visit me in my dreams...

Take Me Back To 1966

2009-03-07T09:53:00.008-05:00

I was so in love with Steve of The Left Banke...

I wonder what he is doing today?

I have read somewhere that he did not really care for the song Walk Away Renee...

The music of The Left Banke was classified as "Baroque-Pop"

Those big eyes and bangs and tight pants were surely cute back in the day...

When I listen to Walk Away Renee I am 12 again...I had my very own Steve at that age...well, actually a Stephen. Stephen and I went to Junior High School together, and were great friends. Unfortunately we would attend different high schools, and I would never see him again. I found out last summer that my Stephen had died in a car accident a few years after high school graduation. Over the years I had tried to find him, as he had a very unique last name I thought it would be easy to make contact. Even now, after all these years, I think of my Stephen, and a few tears will slip down the side of my face.

I'm not really sure that I would want to go back to 1966, but I do like spending a little time there, in my mind with the music...and with my Stephen who is forever young and alive in my memories.

I Hate Cancer

2009-03-02T09:54:00.004-05:00

A very dear and special friend is battling that damned disease. I don't even want to write the name of it, give it any power, acknowledge it...because I hate it.

Dub, my father-in-law had it and I was there with him during his final days.

My mom's baby sister had it.

My mom's oldest sister had it.

A cousin had it.

My friend Eileen had it...she was not even 50 when she died.

A dear Great Aunt had it...

I hate it...

In these days of octomom, botox and viagra and all sorts of seemingly unimportant (in the grand scheme of things) in the way medical miracles and advances why don't we have a better way of diagnosing and treating it...?

My friend that is currently battling this damned disease spent weeks getting chemo only to find that it didn't work because she was resistant to the platinum in the chemo...duh and damn...shouldn't there be a test to see if that might be the case before subjecting someone to weeks of poison for nothing?

I hate it...and I want better research...I want better screening procedures...I want health care to be more affordable...I want a cure...and right now I want a miracle for my friend...I want her healed...I want her free of it...

The picture of the llama is for my friend...she and I used to talk about how we wanted llamas for pets...I have recently found out that Alpacas are nicer than llamas...when a miracle happens for my friend...I am going to find a way to get her either a llama or an alpaca...

http://www.womenscancerfoundation.com/home.htm

Honey

2009-02-17T19:57:00.007-05:00

Honey is our precious Cocker Spaniel. She is currently in hospital as she had her gall bladder removed today.

She was scheduled to have her teeth cleaned last week, but a few behaviors prompted us to consult with the Vet as she had, for the first time ever, turned down food. After having a plethora of tests it was discovered that she had elevated liver enzymes, a cyst on a kidney and a suspect gall bladder. Our local Vet referred us to specialists that are in Atlanta. It is paining us that she is so far away, but hopefully she will be released Thursday and will be back home so we can care for her in the manner to which she is accustomed.

The surgeon said that the bile had solidified, and was surprised that she had so few symptoms and seemed so happy and sweet. That's just the way Honey is, happy and sweet...an angel in a dog suit.

Treat your doggees and kitties well. They give us so much and are here for such a short time.

My Life Nocturnal

2009-01-27T23:29:00.003-05:00

I'm in to my second month of working at night. I leave home around 6:45 pm and usually get back home around 7:00 am. I am in a state of perpetual exhaustion, and have taken on that weird vampire-type pallor as I rarely am out in the sunlight. My work schedule constantly changes, the facility is open seven days a week, I often work four nights in a row. It is very difficult to get people to work the hours and the job. The only requirement is high school or GED. They really don't want intelligent people, they just want nice little compliant, no questions asked, trainable button pushing monkeys. No disrespect to monkeys.

This job has taken my life, it is now my life, as I have not been able to find a balance. I have pots of dead fall mums on the front porch. There are dead summer ferns still hanging in baskets, and I am unable to relate the present condition of my little gardens. My gardening was once very important to me. I am mourning the loss of that part of my life.

I have somehow managed to tend to my sister and the dog. The house is very untidy, but I manage to keep up with the big clumps, do the laundry. I keep the bathroom and kitchen sink clean. Mom is not now nor ever has been "in" to cleaning, that has always been my job.

This sleep technician job is really terrible. The hours, the inept and profit-driven management, the poorly trained staff ( and that includes me) the number of seriously ill people and patients that have no reason to be tested other than their doctors have managed to get around the insurance question by using the magic words "sleep apnea" translate into a genuine recipe for disaster.

I now believe that sleep testing has become the dumping ground for patients whose doctors know that their insurance will pay for the testing and for those patients whose doctors have no idea what to do with them. I think there is a system of kickbacks for referrals, although I have no idea how to go about proving such an accusation.

Almost every person that comes in for testing, will receive a variation of the same diagnosis as well as the same treatment. Sleep apnea is the diagnosis and CPAP is the treatment. Caveat emptor.

Another problem I have are the patients that come in with MRSA. I have been exposed at least three times that I know of, and the facility is not using the proper precautions or clean-up procedures. I am the only person that appears to be concerned about the situation.

I have always been a proponent of capitalism and free enterprise. I am changing my view when it comes to medicine and health care in the United States. From the fraud and abuse I have seen, I am beginning to think that we may be better served and protected if we make a total change in the system. With all the legislation in place, we are still not being protected from the graft, fraud and greed that is inherent in the present system. A complete overhaul is needed, its broken and the band aids that have been applied only get dirty and fall off.

The only good thing about this job, is I no longer have to visit the "Bank of Mom."

Fair Winds and Following Seas CVN 77

2009-01-10T19:52:00.005-05:00

"Wings of Gold" worn by Naval Aviators. Aren't they beautiful!

As I come from a Navy family, and more specifically, family connected to Naval Aviation, I want to welcome our newest carrier, CVN 77, the George Herbert Walker Bush to the fleet!

Visit this link to learn more about CVN 77

http://www.nn.northropgrumman.com/bush/index.html

I love this poem...it so captures the feeling, the spiritual nature of flying...

High Flight
Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of Earth And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings; Sunward I've climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth Of sun-split clouds, — and done a hundred things You have not dreamed of — wheeled and soared and swung High in the sunlit silence. Hov'ring there, I've chased the shouting wind along, and flung My eager craft through footless halls of air. . . .
Up, up the long, delirious burning blue I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace Where never lark, or ever eagle flew —And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod The high untrespassed sanctity of space,Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.
— John Gillespie Magee, Jr

May G-d Bless the George Herbert Walker Bush, her crew, the United States Navy and The United States of America!

No more teaching for me

2008-11-22T16:36:00.003-05:00

Well, its official...I've given up on trying to teach again...after 5 long, exhaustive, arduous years of trying to get back into teaching...only to be thwarted and shot down left and right by the bureaucratic powers that be...I have a totally new job!

On Monday I will start training to be a Sleep Technician...who says old dogs can't learn new tricks?

In this horrid economy and the total weirdness of this little town, I know I am blessed beyond belief to be able to snag this job.

One thing about the teaching though...is that I was really good at it...won awards, and things like that...had great praise from students and parents alike...but I never could seem to understand most of the administration types that controlled the schools. Now, my first principal was brilliant...he was absolutely fabulous...but I left that school to take another position in my academic field. The next principals were all ridiculous. If people want to look into what is wrong with a goodly lot of our schools, take a long hard look at the administrators.

Ok, I got that off my chest, and I hopefully can bury that and move on to the next phase of my life.

One more little thing, I've been frequenting a web site for teachers for almost 12 years now. I made friendships and was mentored and nurtured by many wonderful teachers I met there. But, for several years now, there have been these people that visit that really have some hatred for teachers and take pot shots at (us) any chance they get. There are also these holier-than-thou know-it-alls that come in and attempt to discredit all teachers because they don't measure up to some weird, contorted view they've created of themselves.

I don't understand people that are so judgmental, so narrow in their view, and have such poor comprehension skills that they fail to understand or at least acknowledge the point or message that is being expressed. They get so frothed up with their own opinion and self-importance and are so ego-bound that there is no way to have an exchange of thoughts or ideas with them. Know anyone like that?

I will try to put all that teacher stuff behind me and move into a more technologically advanced and scientific world...what an adventure!

Mama Africa is gone...

2008-11-18T12:57:00.005-05:00

Miriam Makeba recently died. She was known to many as Mama Africa. Her music was electric, sacred, beautiful...I first heard her Pata Pata song when I was around 12...that song was my entry into South Africa and the political and human situations that were too long endured there...Rest In Peace Mama Africa.

http://www.miriammakeba.co.za/

http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/2008/nov/11/miriam-makeba-obituary

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pygqt0uwnuc&feature=related

Dr. Stan Ulam...My Brush With Greatness

2008-05-16T21:26:00.003-04:00

Dr. Ulam

I'm not exactly sure when it happened. It may have been as early as second grade when I contracted a series of childhood illnesses that finally resulted in Rheumatic Fever. Reportedly, I suffered high fevers and was very ill...missing almost a year of school. I recall never feeling quite the same as I had before I was sick...and I know that after this I had some difficulties with things academic...math being the biggest and most perplexing problem. I would avoid most things mathematical for years after... numbers frustrated and perplexed me.

Fast forward through the years and I find myself attending the University of Colorado at Boulder and working as a student assistant in the Mathematics Department. The irony did not escape me...what did escape me at the time was that I was working in the office of a truly brilliant mathematician. I worked for his Administrative Assistant and was aware at the time that he was a "famous" man, I did not realize how famous. Dr. Ulam was one of the scientists that worked on the Manhattan Project.

When I worked in his office I was only aware that he was this really nice man, who was patient and kind to me. I recall be invited to lunch to celebrate his birthday...he was always so approachable and quick to smile and laugh.

I'm not exactly sure when I found out who exactly was Dr. Ulam was and his impact on our world...it was after I left CU...but I will at times think of him, and how it was probably a good thing that I really didn't know at that time how important he was as it might have changed the way I interacted with him.

Below, find links to websites for more information:

http://www.lanl.gov/history/people/S_Ulam.shtml

http://library.lanl.gov/cgi-bin/getfile?00326865.pdf

http://nuclear-history.org/history.html

http://www.daviddarling.info/encyclopedia/U/Ulam.html

Annie Lennox And The Fight Against AIDS/HIV

2008-03-01T22:01:00.002-05:00

Hello there...its been quite sometime since I've taken the time to post. I've been a fan of Annie Lennox since Sweet Dreams...whilst checking out her Songs of Mass Destruction album I read about her SING A Voice For HIV/AIDS Women and Children campaign. Please take some time to visit her website to find out about her efforts in the fight against AIDS/HIV http://www.annielennoxsing.com/sing.php

Treatment Action Campaign (TAC)
The TAC's objectives are as follows:

Campaign for equitable access to affordable treatment for all people with HIV/AIDS.

Campaign for and support the prevention and elimination of all new HIV infections. Promote and sponsor legislation to ensure equal access to social services for and equal treatment of all people with HIV/AIDS.

Challenge by means of litigation, lobbying, advocacy and all forms of legitimate social mobilisation, any barrier or obstacle, including unfair discrimination, that limits access to treatment for HIV/AIDS in the private and public sector.
Educate, promote and develop an understanding and commitment within all communities of developments in HIV/AIDS treatment.

Campaign for access to affordable and quality health care for all people in South Africa.

Train and develop a representative and effective leadership of people living with HIV/AIDS on the basis of equality and non-discrimination irrespective of race, gender, sexual orientation, disability, religion, sex, socio-economic status, nationality, marital status or any other ground.

Campaign for an effective regional and global network comprising of organisations with similar aims and objectives

“This Is A Call For The National Implementation Of Mother To Child Transmission Prevention Programme In All The Maternity Hospitals In South Africa…”

Sing by Annie Lennox

Sing My Sister… Sing!
Let Your Voice Be Heard
What Won’t Kill You Will Make You Strong
Sing My Sister…Sing!
You Don’t Need
To Disrespect Yourself Again
Don’t Hide Your Light Behind Your Fears
My Women Can Be Strong
You’ve Known It All Along
What You Need
Is What You Haven’t Found
So…
Sing My Sister… Sing!
Let Your Voice Be Heard
What Won’t Kill You Will Make You Strong
Sing My Sister…Sing!
Women Are The Mothers Of The World My Friend
I Tell You Womankind Is Strong
Take Your Beautiful Self Up To The Heights Again
Back To The Place Where You Belong
So…
Sing My Sister… Sing!
Let Your Voice Be Heard
What Won’t Kill You Will Make You Strong
Sing My Sister…Sing!
C’mon My Sisters Now
Sing Loud And Sing Proud
Sing My Sister Sing
Use Your Voice To Call Out
Let Your Voice Be Heard
Use Your Voice
For Freedom
Let Your Voice Be Heard
Everywhere You Go
For Freedom
Yes Freedom
The Generics – Jikelele/Globally
“We Know Azt Globally
Call: Azt – We Know It. It Is Protecting Children From Hiv Globally
Response: Globally
Call: Mtct
Response: Prevention
Call: We Know Nevirapine. It Is Protecting Children From Hiv Globally
Response: Globally Until”

Elie Weisel - Nobel Prize Winner

2008-02-09T12:02:00.000-05:00

"I've had my moments of crisis, which have led me to study and argue with G-d, at times dramatically...Hasidism teaches that no heart is as whole as a broken heart, and I would say that no faith is as solid as a wounded faith."

~Elie Wiesel

These words from Elie Wiesel have touched my heart and renewed my faith.

Read more about Elie Wiesel and his life and works:
http://xroads.virginia.edu/~CAP/HOLO/ELIEBIO.HTM
http://www.eliewieselfoundation.org/
http://www.achievement.org/autodoc/page/wie0bio-1

Margot Fonteyn

2008-02-01T17:06:00.000-05:00

In my dreams, I can still piorette, grande jete, and even partner with Rudy and Mischa...in my dreams...I dance like Margot Fonteyn...ah, to sleep and perchance to dream...and dance and to be young again...

Please visit this wonderful site...

http://www.ballerinagallery.com/fonteyn.htm

Cyndi Lauper...Time After Time

2008-01-20T19:10:00.000-05:00

My sister has surgery tomorrow...she has pericardial effusion and we must find out what is causing it and the excess fluid needs to be drained. Cyndi Lauper's Time After Time has been running through my head all day...

“if you're lost you can look--and you will find me time after time if you fall I will catch you--I'll be waiting time after time”

For a good portion of my sister's life, I've been there to catch her...I only hope that if anything negative happens I can be there to catch her this time.

I've also been thinking about many friends that are no longer around...most of them gone because of HIV...Cyndi had a link on a website to make a pledge regarding the need for equality for gay people. If you are so inclined, you may want to sign it too.

http://community.pflag.org/NETCOMMUNITY/Page.aspx?pid=573&srcid=573

Websites to gather the latest news about Cyndi:

http://www.cyndilaupermusic.com/

http://www.cyndilauper.com/uniquecirx/home.php

Time After Time on youtube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ZYxsUDZQ4Q

Robert Heinlein

2008-01-19T16:53:00.000-05:00

Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done and why. Then do it.

~Robert Heinlein

I'm just a bit tired of all the experts with whom I've been working lately...they don't seem to listen...they just babble out memorized rhetoric... to those who might be a bit dull or are unable to think for themselves...they lap this stuff up like cream...and continue to drink it down in spite of curdled aftertaste...I listen, and then do what I know is right and proper.

http://www.heinleinsociety.org/

This is the official Heinlein website...although I find it a bit cluttered and difficult to navigate it is full of information.

My favorite Heinlein works:

Stranger In A Strange Land - Man, did I ever have a crush on Michael Valentine Smith when I was 15...

Podkane Of Mars - I wanted to have her as a friend when I was about 12...

Friday - Lived vicariously through her a few years ago...

Parallel Universes and Michio Kaku

2008-01-12T20:30:00.000-05:00

Dr. Michio Kaku is a theoretical physicist, best-selling author, and popularizer of science. He's the co-founder of string field theory (a branch of string theory), and continues Einstein's search to unite the four fundamental forces of nature into one unified theory.

Visit Dr. Kaku at: http://www.mkaku.org/

Our Universe will die in ice rather than fire. Our Universe eventually, trillions and trillions of years away from now, will reach near absolute zero making intelligent life impossible. Therefore, we may have to escape into hyper-space if we are to survive the death of the Universe.
~Michio Kaku

Tiny particles form the seen and unseen in our universe...are there worm holes that make time travel possible...what if Einstein's Relativity theory is more than theory? All this fascinates me to no end...the possibilities are excruciatingly delicious...had I not been such a science fiction geek as a child, I don't think I would still have the desire to know more about the infinite possibilities of what is "out there." Kaku discusses the theory of parallel universes which is both exhilarating and disturbing...

Musing On Truman Capote

2008-01-11T12:18:00.000-05:00

“A conversation is a dialogue, not a monologue. That's why there are so few good conversations: due to scarcity, two intelligent talkers seldom meet.”
~Truman Capote

The NYT Obit for Capote:
http://www.nytimes.com/books/97/12/28/home/capote-obit.html

My parents had this gigantic walk-in closet. On the right side hung my mother’s clothes, on the left side hung my father’s clothes. They were ordered according to the season. It must’ve been summer when I first read Capote’s In Cold Blood, as I recall being propped up in the back of the closet surrounded by heavy clothing. The wool coats and suits would have been soft and comforting in the chill of winter instead of being a bit stifling in the heat of summer. I corrected that state by turning up one of my favorite creature-comforts, air conditioning

I had taken the habit of retreating to that closet to read; I would read non-stop starting on Friday evening and reluctantly emerge on Sunday to rejoin the real world. My goal was always to finish entire books during the weekend. I wasn’t allowed this pleasure every weekend, as my parents were afraid that my pallor would turn a ghostly-white and I would be deprived of some vitamins that my mother said only came from exposure to sunlight.

That closet was my refuge from the frenetic pace of my sisters and their often noisy activities. I would occasionally allow our dog to enter for a nap, otherwise no one except my parents knew where I had secreted myself.

It was in that closet that I first read a book by Truman Capote entitled, In Cold Blood. His account of murder was raw and savage, and pained me so emotionally...my reaction was so visceral that my personality was forever altered. To this day, stories of murder force me to respond in the same pained, visceral way.

Regarding In Cold Blood, Capote said, “No one will ever know what 'In Cold Blood' took out of me. It scraped me right down to the marrow of my bones. It nearly killed me. I think, in a way, it did kill me.”

A precious young woman was recently murdered in an adjoining county. It has been impossible to ignore the media reports. Her murder has shaken me and everyone in our community. I feel the need to retreat to a closet for refuge and take solace in some insipid comedy to mask the sick feeling that keeps bubbling up from my gut.

In Search Of Inspiration...Bessie Coleman

2008-01-08T10:46:00.001-05:00

I suppose we all have someone who is a source of inspiration...some well-known, others...not so much...Many of those that have inspired me are people that were the first do to something...Bessie Coleman is one of those...the first Black Female Aviator

Find out more about Bessie at http://www.bessiecoleman.com/

I believe this quote says it all...

I refused to take no for an answer.

~Bessie Coleman

Somewhere...out there...Deep in the Cosmos

2008-01-07T14:31:00.000-05:00

Carl Sagan
Astronomer
1934-1996

I was captivated by Carl Sagan's 1980s PBS series Cosmos. I have always spent time looking into the sky, dreaming and imagining what could be out there...I plan on revisiting Dr. Sagan starting with the website http://www.carlsagan.com/

In every country, we should be teaching our children the scientific method and the reasons for a Bill of Rights. With it comes a certain decency, humility and community spirit. In the demon-haunted world that we inhabit by virtue of being human, this may be all that stands between us and the enveloping darkness.
~Carl Sagan

Today's Search Has Led Me To Rumi

2008-01-06T12:20:00.000-05:00

Jelal'uddin Rumi, the 13th century mystic poet was born in what is present day Afghanistan in 1207, he produced his master work the Masnawi which consists of over 60,000 poems before he died in 1273.

Here is his poem Guest House

Being human is like

a guest house.

Each morning a new arrival.

A joy,

a depression,

a meanness,

some momentary awareness

comes as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture,

still treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought,

the shame,

the malice,

meet them at the door

laughing,

and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

More From The Dalai Lama

2008-01-05T11:23:00.000-05:00

In the practice of tolerance, one's enemy is the best teacher.
~His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama

http://www.dalailama.com/
Here is a link to The Office of His Holiness the Dalai Lama

Don't try to use what you learn from Buddhism to be a Buddhist; use it to be a better whatever-you-already-are.
~ His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama

The wisdom of this man amazes me...

Today's Search Has Led Me To The Dalai Lama

2008-01-04T12:46:00.000-05:00

Where ignorance is our master, there is no possibility of real peace.
~The Dalai Lama