Mourning things that never were

This is the first year I did not celebrate Hanukkah, and it looks like we will not celebrate Christmas either.

I feel sorry for Faye, because even though she is 54 she is really
(on a good day) 3. I am glad they have decorations and trees and all that at her day care. They really go out to make sure the clients, as they are called, are cared for, entertained and fed. It really is a wonderful place and I'm glad she is able to attend.

I lied for years and years and ever about having a wonderful family. I lied about how nice and sweet my mom was and how she would do and say all these wonderfully supportive things.

I stopped lying a few years ago. Maybe its all my fault. Maybe if I start lying again I can make things good. No, that's how I got myself into this mess, lying. Had I been able to see things for what they are and not as how I would have liked them to be I could have avoided this whole stupid thing.

I offered to take Faye to day care this morning. Since Alex wrecked my car (he is having it rigged-repaired right now) mom has taken and picked up Faye - she doesn't trust me with her stupid little truck. Anyway, she barked at me and said something about she was used to waiting. I had no idea what it meant.

Any offer of help or show of kindness is met with harsh words and a pinched and angry face. Alex says he simply cannot take it much longer. He has nowhere to go, just like me. So we try to go about our business and stay out of her way.

When I had a tiny little kitchen in Las Vegas, it would be stuffed with Alex, Ian and I and often other friends. We would cook and wash and have the best times.

The kitchen here is much larger, but if she is in it, we all must leave as she shouts there is not enough room. There is plenty of room she just doesn't want us near her.

I overheard her on the phone the other day, gushing and being ever so sweet and nice, it was one of the people she used to work with. The man sends her cards and the family sends her pictures of their children, which she displays and remarks about how wonderful they are. She has all sorts of information about their lives, how the children do in school, their activities, sports... yet she knows nothing about us, about me, she cares not.

I have been thinking if I outlive her, how will I ever find her boys. I know their names, and that when she married my dad they lived with us for awhile, and then they went to live with their father. Does she ever communicate with them? Does she hate us so because she had to trade them for us? All questions and no answers.

That has always been the case, her love for other people and their children but not her own.

I remember when she told us that she wished she had never had us. I must have been around 18 or 19 and that would have made Lisa still in High School at 15 or 16. Lisa had already shut down after our dad died. So, I know it had to impact her, but she didn't react. Me, things like that wound me forever, and haunt me especially at night.

Alex once said when he was still rather small that Aunt Lisa was the smart one in the family, because she got out. She has created her own life, she never calls or comes by and basically has nothing to do with any of us.

My stupid sense of duty and responsibility has brought me nothing but pain. I wish I had been able to leave and disconnect like Lisa. Alex is right, she is the smart one in the family.

It is dark and cold and rainy and dismal...feeds right into my mood.

I must escape this somehow, someway.

I could have them place Faye in a nursing home, and then I could pack up what little I have left and just flee.

Then Esther would be free from us and she can have whatever it is she wants.