The first day of a new year...

I spent the greater part of the morning reading over some material regarding psychoses and affective disorders in my old psychiatry textbook. I started a MA in Psychology a million years ago and didn't get too far into it...but finishing it is sometimes on my mind.

The research I'm sure is dated, as the textbooks have a copyright from 1986...and I know that we no longer use certain terms...I am always searching to find answers as to why I am the way I am...in hope that if I understand myself I will be able to help myself...the section on suicide was most interesting...

I allowed myself a little bit of hope because of the new year and all...was able to ignore a few of my mom's barbs and though it is very cold for this area, the sun is shining and the sky is a pretty light blue.

Then...my phone rings...it is Alex calling from his work...something is wrong with his car...he has just paid several thousand dollars, actually, he had to place the charges on a credit card as neither one of us have any real money. He will need to get in touch with the mechanic who was supposed to fix it, and of course he will have to borrow my rigged-up vehicle to get to his church choir on Sunday morning and then he just sounded like garbled wah wah wahing...my mood dropped through the floor...the headache became more pronounced, the feelings of gloom and despair weighed down...it just isn't going to change...I am unable to take much more...

I think of Job, the story in the Bible, though I'm not all that familiar with the story and I am NOT comparing myself to him, I do know that he was being tested by satan to prove his devotion and allegiance to G-d.

I will go and read the story so I am sure I understand it.

If I am being tested, I imagine it will get much more difficult than broken cars and lack of money and a job...will I pass? Will I give in? What unholy thing have I done to bring this on?

How I envy those people that can see only good and positives in everything. How I envy those people that never question adversity and plod along with Jeanne d'Arc unfaltering faith and belief...

I must find something to keep me afloat here, for a bit...