G-d

I believe in G-d

I want that made understood.

I have had many lapses of my Faith over the years.

I am struggling right now.

Here is what I don't understand...my inability to find a job. I moved back to my mother's in order to help her out with my sister. I thought that would take about a school year and then I would go back to Nevada or somewhere and reclaim my life. Over six years later, I have not been able to find a full-time job (save the unfortunate experience of the sleep lab).

The New Teacher Project screwed me over when I had been working for them and doing the job of the of the manager when she quit - and then applied for and interviewed and was rejected, and still had to do the job until I managed to grow a pair and quit. I allowed myself to be used.

It took almost 6 months to find another job after that, and I loved working for the Psychologist...and then he came in one day and announced that he was going to retire...the end of the month.

I took the sleep lab job out of sheer desperation. It made me sick, and it has taken almost 8 months to reset my internal clock.

I have applied and applied and sent resume after resume to no avail. The competition for jobs here is incredible.

I take care of my sister as best I can. Doctor appointments, dentist, eye doctor, see that she is clothed, fed, entertained (as best I can these days), see that she gets to her day care.

I try to help out with mom...mostly by staying out of her way...but trying to keep the house and yard as tidy as possible. Clean is no longer a big priority with me, as my energy is waning. So, I settle for tidy.

I have no transportation...Alex wrecked my car and neither one of us have the cash to repair it and both of us are up to our throats in credit card debt.

Alex has just learned that the transmission in his car needs to be replaced (he already had it reworked or whatever the phrasing is) and neither of us have the money for that.

We have found a mechanic who has agreed to rig up something for my Jeep that will at least make it street-legal and driveable for a time.

Alex's work is about 30 or so miles away from here (round-trip would be 60 something miles per day) when he is in rehearsal that means a trip into the city and that means another 25 miles from his work and from here...I'm tired of numbers...I hate numbers...

So, my question is...what am I doing wrong? Is it fair to even think that I should expect G-d to help me when I am such a whiner. Afterall, there are people with no homes, children starving, people sick and dying...my life when compared to those who have nothing seems pretty sweet.

Stephen Fry says something about it being reprehensible to wallow in self-pity...I really don't want to wallow...but here I am...wallow wallow wallow...fester fester fester...loser loser loser.

Why can't I hear G-d...what am I doing wrong?