G-d

I believe in G-d

I want that made understood.

I have had many lapses of my Faith over the years.

I am struggling right now.

Here is what I don't understand...my inability to find a job. I moved back to my mother's in order to help her out with my sister. I thought that would take about a school year and then I would go back to Nevada or somewhere and reclaim my life. Over six years later, I have not been able to find a full-time job (save the unfortunate experience of the sleep lab).

The New Teacher Project screwed me over when I had been working for them and doing the job of the of the manager when she quit - and then applied for and interviewed and was rejected, and still had to do the job until I managed to grow a pair and quit. I allowed myself to be used.

It took almost 6 months to find another job after that, and I loved working for the Psychologist...and then he came in one day and announced that he was going to retire...the end of the month.

I took the sleep lab job out of sheer desperation. It made me sick, and it has taken almost 8 months to reset my internal clock.

I have applied and applied and sent resume after resume to no avail. The competition for jobs here is incredible.

I take care of my sister as best I can. Doctor appointments, dentist, eye doctor, see that she is clothed, fed, entertained (as best I can these days), see that she gets to her day care.

I try to help out with mom...mostly by staying out of her way...but trying to keep the house and yard as tidy as possible. Clean is no longer a big priority with me, as my energy is waning. So, I settle for tidy.

I have no transportation...Alex wrecked my car and neither one of us have the cash to repair it and both of us are up to our throats in credit card debt.

Alex has just learned that the transmission in his car needs to be replaced (he already had it reworked or whatever the phrasing is) and neither of us have the money for that.

We have found a mechanic who has agreed to rig up something for my Jeep that will at least make it street-legal and driveable for a time.

Alex's work is about 30 or so miles away from here (round-trip would be 60 something miles per day) when he is in rehearsal that means a trip into the city and that means another 25 miles from his work and from here...I'm tired of numbers...I hate numbers...

So, my question is...what am I doing wrong? Is it fair to even think that I should expect G-d to help me when I am such a whiner. Afterall, there are people with no homes, children starving, people sick and dying...my life when compared to those who have nothing seems pretty sweet.

Stephen Fry says something about it being reprehensible to wallow in self-pity...I really don't want to wallow...but here I am...wallow wallow wallow...fester fester fester...loser loser loser.

Why can't I hear G-d...what am I doing wrong?

Searching For Intelligent Life: Just because my sister is a tard, that doesn't mean I am

Searching For Intelligent Life: Just because my sister is a tard, that doesn't mean I am
tards, stupid people

Pouring Rain...

Alex woke us all early this morning with the most mournful cries.


Mom ignored him and complained to me.


He reported the "worst pain ever" and was crying.


He just called from the doctor. Perforated eardrum and a raging
infection.


Alex is only concerned with the possibility of the infection moving
to his throat or vocal chords and then he won't be able to sing.


Opening night for the Opera is November 14. Hopefully he will be fine
by then.


One of our grocery markets gives free prescriptions for antibiotics.
Thank you Publix! Hopefully the Cipro will clear this up.

When it rains...it pours...

I shudder to think what misfortune lies around the corner for us.

Mom (Esther) ~ Suzanne ~ Auntie Vi (Viola) This is a nice picture of my mom, a niece from California and Auntie Vi from her 90th Birthday Celebration. The niece, Suzanne is the daughter of their late brother Raymond.

Suzanne and her husband traveled from California to Minnesota.

Mom reported the plane trip over was difficult, the return was easier. Evidently, mom had to be very assertive with a few Delta employees who argued with her about her seat placement. Stupid employees, just because she has white hair and is 88 does not mean that she will not stand up to anyone who she feels has overstepped their bounds. That is one trait I wish I had inherited.

Alex has wrecked my Jeep. I don't know if I will ever get the truth. I thought we were through all the lies. I don't understand why, when the truth is the easiest course, that people lie. He had asked to borrow it because he said his car was making odd noises and was in need of an oil change. Because the trip to rehearsal is over 100 miles round trip, I agreed that he should take it.

He woke me Sunday morning with a "Mom, someone has hit your car." The moment I saw it I knew it had not been hit on our street, as there was no debris about. I asked him what happened, and the lies started. He didn't know, it must've been on the street where the party was. He became angrier and angrier and nasty and surly. It was as if the nightmare of his High School years were coming back. I became sick to my stomach and thought I was going to vomit right there on the street for all the neighbors to view.

After much yammering back-and-forth, and police coming out (Alex called them) it was determined (I already knew) that the Jeep had not been side-swiped by another vehicle, but had been driven into some sort of concrete object. The police confronted him with his lie, so I didn't have to. That is narcissist in its full twisted glory, they think they are smarter than everyone else, and we will believe their lies.

The police called the State Patrol who came to inspect the car and confront Alex. The officer told me at my indication he would arrest him for fraudulent reporting of an accident and failure to report the incident when it happened.

Alex, all puffy and full of himself (having been caught in his lie) said go ahead and take me to jail. The police and the officer were probably thrilled to take him up on his ridiculous remark.

I could not see where anything positive would come from it. I would have to get an attorney and pay for the that, and then there would be bail to get him out of jail. I declined as I have about 22 dollars to my name.

Now I have a wrecked vehicle, no transportation, no way to get to a job interview, if one ever comes. I am hesitant to use the insurance company, as I know the rates will go sky high. And since I came back here I have been hit twice by stupid drivers. The first accident when a stupid boy rear-ended it whilst it was parked on the street. The second when I was working in Atlanta and having to drive back and forth everyday in the most horrid traffic. A stupid woman rear-ended me on the freeway and my neck and back were injured in that one. Even though I was not at fault, and the offending driver's insurance paid for the repairs, they count accidents and this would make 3 for my now 11 year old Jeep. Something about 3 accidents and the age of the vehicle, and surcharges and all sorts of legalese/insurancese that makes my head spin.

Alex created this chaos, and I want him to deal with it. I just am not emotionally able to deal with this. I hate to admit that I am unable to control my emotions, but this is just too much right now.

The only bit of truth to come out is he admitted that he hit something. He says he fell asleep whilst returning from a party after Opera rehearsal. He muttered something about being up for 14 hours or something. I didn't express my thought that if he was that tired he should have foregone the party and gone straight home after rehearsal.

I went through much of the same with his father for the 10 years we were married. Lie after lie after lie. There must be some genetic connection, because I certainly did not intend to raise a liar. I realised that after I questioned myself about "where did I fail in parenting?"

At least things are better with mom. She seems a bit softer and has not been all that abusive to me since she returned from her trip. Thank you G-d!

I hope she realised, being away for a week, that I am not the enemy.

Happy Birthday to my only remaining Auntie

I'm a bad person. I will explain.

October 22 will be my only remaining Auntie's birthday. She will be 90. Auntie V is my mother's only living sibling. I know it must be really hard on them. There were eight and now only two.

Here's why I am a bad person. My mother is going to go to Auntie V's birthday celebration. She will leave on October 21 and return on the 26. That means we will be on our own here for almost a week! Almost a week without ugly looks and nasty remarks. A chance to be pain free (I hope) and a chance to recover and heal a bit.

At first mom had asked me to go along. Part of me really wanted to. But then it became so difficult. Finances are tight, and it was impossible to find someone to stay with Faye. She doesn't need nursing care, but the minute you mention Down Syndrome and her age, prospective candidates simply freaked out.

Nursing care became the only option available. But since she goes to day care during the day, supervision and routine care would only be needed in the evening and morning. It seemed ridiculous (and we couldn't afford the 175.00) that we would be charged so much for each "day".

I mentioned to mom that between Alex and Lisa (other sister) they could work out something. That only angered mom and sent her into a tirade at me. Lisa has never offered to help out with Faye or mom. That's just the way it is, the way it has always been.

I know it's awful for me to be happy that she is going away. I hope she will be ok. I will take her to the airport and pick her up on her return. I will worry about her trying to navigate about. I hope and pray that she will have a good time.

She used to travel constantly, and so enjoyed it. We always knew she liked us better when we weren't around. But she hasn't traveled since she had the accident that caused the spine fracture that required surgery, and the fall down the stairs the following year. She really has done quite well (physically) considering all that. However, her life-style changed so much that all she seems to have left is anger, bitterness and hatred. She still talks about work...that was always her love. Some people shouldn't have children.

Zachary

We were at the Vet's office on Thursday afternoon in September of 2004. I was in the car waiting for Alex to come out. I can't remember if we were picking up Honey after a grooming or an appointment. I saw Zach come up from the lower parking lot, and we waved at each other.

Friday night...I heard sirens, lots and lots of sirens...I recalled thinking that something horrible must be happening. It must've been around midnight when I heard them.

My mother, annoyed as usual at the phone call, said that Alan was on the telephone. He sounded frantic and upset. He said Zach had been in an accident and they were at the hospital. Evidently, Elizabeth Ann must've called Alex on his cell phone and said for us not to come to the hospital. That her mother didn't want us there.

Alex and I went to the hospital and the ER people directed us to a little room. Alan said "He's gone."

Zach was showing his friends his new gun. A hand gun. According to the story his sister Elizabeth Ann told Zach he shouldn't be playing with a gun, what if it was loaded.

Zach supposedly said, "If it was loaded I couldn't do this." He held it to his head and pulled the trigger. It was loaded.

Later, Alan said that there was just this tiny little hole on the side of Zach's head...and he just looked like he was sleeping.

Zach's mother and I had been friends forever...since we were little girls and I would visit my grandmother when we came from California to Georgia in the summers. High School and college. We were thrilled we both had little boys the same year.

Zach and Alex had been friends since they were in preschool. Alex was 5 months older than Zach.

When we moved to Nevada, the boys kept in touch with email and phone calls. The first thing Alex wanted to do when we came back for visits was to go see Zach.

Alex had moved back to Georgia in May of 2004. He and Zach didn't see each other as much as they had in the past. Alex was working, and Zach was still trying to find his place in the world. They had several months together, and Alex says he believes that is why he came back to Georgia.

Alex did not go over to the house that night, and I am so thankful for that.

I just didn't want to let this day pass without remembering him.

Zachary Alan Carter
July 1985 - September 25, 2004
He was 19 years old.

I love you Zach and we miss you still.

September 24, 1970

On September 24, 1970 my Dad was killed in an automobile accident.

He was 43 years old.

In Memory Cecil Clinton Sheriff Sund
July 13, 1927 - September 24, 1970