Happy New Year and to 2009...Don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya

My old friend Janine used to say that...don't let the door hit ya...I don't hear from her anymore...I have lost touch with so many people...my fault...I didn't want to burden people with my misery.

I hope I can start to turn that around...I need to take baby steps in that process. Something to work on...

I'm glad to see this year end...so much that was sad and bad.

I hope the New Year blesses everyone with happiness, health and wisdom...and me, I need money and a job.

Happy New Year

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas

Thank you for your wishes of good will and love and caring.

Remember that most of what is happening is my own doing...there are so many people that deserve your prayers and good thoughts more than I...innocents that have done nothing to deserve their station in life...

I cannot thank you enough for your love and caring, but I don't know that I deserve it...considering there are so many that have nothing...

Missing my dear friend and Merry Christmas to All

Hey there Sister Golden Hair...miss you muchly...

Merry Christmas on All

The absolutely fabulous trinity

I have tried to practise lucid dreaming for sometime now...you know, creating and directing your dreams. I haven't been very successful lately. But last night as I tried to wind down in order to get to sleep a thought entered my mind...I don't know how it found room.

Anyway, I was thinking...Dame Judi Dench, Jessica Tandy or in my wildest dreams, Annie Lennox.

As my hair is almost totally white, having turned so much in the past year, I was thinking who I would like to become.

My last haircut was in August, very very close to my head, and even had a smart ass store clerk referred to me as sir. It's now grown out to what most people would consider short. So, if I was going for Dame Judi it would just need to be neatened up a bit. If I wanted to go for Annie Lennox I would need to have something put on it to make it more platinum and have it sheared up a bit. If I want to go for Jessica Tandy, I need to keep the shears away and let it grow out. I hate letting hair grow. And mine grows so excruciatingly slow.

I really like all three of those ladies. They each have qualities that are special to me and in my dreams I would be the magnificent combination of that fabulous trinity.

When I was teaching in Las Vegas, I had very long hair (I cut it all off after I moved back here) and I would normally pull it back. I went through almost every hair color there was during those years, my favorite red, the kids (my students) liked the blonde...go figure. Anyway, I remember a couple of my darlings commenting on my hair one day and saying I looked like the chimp lady...they were referring of course, to Jane Goodall...at first I was appalled, as she had to be like 70, and I was not even 50 at that time. But it was the hair, she pulled back her hair and we both have similar features.

I will be deciding which one I will let direct my hair..I should add that my mom hates short hair...and didn't stop coloring her hair until she was in her mid-seventies.

Judi, Jessica or Annie?

Mourning things that never were

This is the first year I did not celebrate Hanukkah, and it looks like we will not celebrate Christmas either.

I feel sorry for Faye, because even though she is 54 she is really
(on a good day) 3. I am glad they have decorations and trees and all that at her day care. They really go out to make sure the clients, as they are called, are cared for, entertained and fed. It really is a wonderful place and I'm glad she is able to attend.

I lied for years and years and ever about having a wonderful family. I lied about how nice and sweet my mom was and how she would do and say all these wonderfully supportive things.

I stopped lying a few years ago. Maybe its all my fault. Maybe if I start lying again I can make things good. No, that's how I got myself into this mess, lying. Had I been able to see things for what they are and not as how I would have liked them to be I could have avoided this whole stupid thing.

I offered to take Faye to day care this morning. Since Alex wrecked my car (he is having it rigged-repaired right now) mom has taken and picked up Faye - she doesn't trust me with her stupid little truck. Anyway, she barked at me and said something about she was used to waiting. I had no idea what it meant.

Any offer of help or show of kindness is met with harsh words and a pinched and angry face. Alex says he simply cannot take it much longer. He has nowhere to go, just like me. So we try to go about our business and stay out of her way.

When I had a tiny little kitchen in Las Vegas, it would be stuffed with Alex, Ian and I and often other friends. We would cook and wash and have the best times.

The kitchen here is much larger, but if she is in it, we all must leave as she shouts there is not enough room. There is plenty of room she just doesn't want us near her.

I overheard her on the phone the other day, gushing and being ever so sweet and nice, it was one of the people she used to work with. The man sends her cards and the family sends her pictures of their children, which she displays and remarks about how wonderful they are. She has all sorts of information about their lives, how the children do in school, their activities, sports... yet she knows nothing about us, about me, she cares not.

I have been thinking if I outlive her, how will I ever find her boys. I know their names, and that when she married my dad they lived with us for awhile, and then they went to live with their father. Does she ever communicate with them? Does she hate us so because she had to trade them for us? All questions and no answers.

That has always been the case, her love for other people and their children but not her own.

I remember when she told us that she wished she had never had us. I must have been around 18 or 19 and that would have made Lisa still in High School at 15 or 16. Lisa had already shut down after our dad died. So, I know it had to impact her, but she didn't react. Me, things like that wound me forever, and haunt me especially at night.

Alex once said when he was still rather small that Aunt Lisa was the smart one in the family, because she got out. She has created her own life, she never calls or comes by and basically has nothing to do with any of us.

My stupid sense of duty and responsibility has brought me nothing but pain. I wish I had been able to leave and disconnect like Lisa. Alex is right, she is the smart one in the family.

It is dark and cold and rainy and dismal...feeds right into my mood.

I must escape this somehow, someway.

I could have them place Faye in a nursing home, and then I could pack up what little I have left and just flee.

Then Esther would be free from us and she can have whatever it is she wants.

What does it take to get a State job (any job) in Georgia?

A nice lady suggested I look into State jobs...In the past 6 years, I have applied for 46 jobs (it seemed like there were more...one loses track). Out of those 46 jobs I think I got three interviews.

I must have applied for at least 200 hundred other jobs, ranging from no degree required or HS/GED.

Every day, I visit the State Jobs Site, the Georgia Department of Labor Site, Craigslist, and individual agency/company/industry sites...I use the newspaper want ads, I exhausted my contacts a long time ago...I use the Fed's Site...Monster, Career yadda yadda yadda...when I had a car I looked for signs in windows... It is certainly not for trying that I haven't found a job. The economy sucks, people are continuing to move out of the area, teachers are being let go, businesses are closing at a accelerated rate. I am waiting for the big black dust clouds to start blowing in.

I just feel like listing the 46 State jobs I have applied for, for fun.
They keep a list of them just to let you know what a big loser you are.

Note: Below are State of Georgia jobs for which you have applied in the past. The applications having the Screening Type of Resume Review, although in history, are still available to State agency recruiters for consideration and review. In contrast, the applications for the Screening Types of both Qualifications Assessment and Scored Evaluation are not available to recruiters as the evaluation or score has expired.

My Jobs History list contains 46 job(s).
Job Title Screening Type Last Action

Administrative Assistant 427-60104ba [Details] Resume Review 3/11/2005

Administrative Specialist 1 427-60011ab [Details] Resume Review 9/24/2003

Child Support Enforcement Supe 427-14402ae [Details] Resume Review 2/18/2004

Child Support Services Agent 2 427-14401cs [Details] Resume Review 10/1/2008

Child Support Services Agent 2 427-14401ct [Details] Resume Review 10/1/2008

Clerk 2, General 371-60108bw [Details] Resume Review 11/1/2006

Clerk 2, General 461-60108cb [Details] Resume Review 10/1/2008

Communicable Disease Spec 128-70502am [Details] Resume Review 4/23/2004

Communicable Disease Specialis 427-70502ay [Details] Resume Review 9/11/2003

Community Resource Coordinator 364-70209au [Details] Qualifications Assessment 9/15/2004

Crime Victim Compensation Spec 471-14686ac [Details] Resume Review 12/4/2003

DFCS Medicaid Eligibility Spec 127-14405jb [Details] Resume Review 11/1/2006

District Liaison/PHSO Program 427-70002gv [Details] Resume Review 3/11/2005

Family Independence Case Mgr 1 127-14412yl [Details] Resume Review 11/1/2006

Family Independence Case Mgr 1 127-14412wj [Details] Resume Review 3/3/2006

Family Independence Case Mgr 1 127-14412xx [Details] Resume Review 11/1/2006

Family Independence Case Mgr 1 127-14412nl [Details] Resume Review 8/10/2004

HR Consultant 2 (GTA) 980-06016aa [Details] Resume Review 2/18/2004

Instructor 2 (DJJ) 461-11403ax [Details] Qualifications Assessment 9/14/2006

Instructor 2 (DJJ) 461-11403al [Details] Resume Review 11/4/2003

Juvenile Correctional Officer 461-17246df [Details] Resume Review 1/27/2004

Juvenile Probation/Parole Spec 461-17422bg [Details] Qualifications Assessment 8/2/2006

Juvenile Probation/Parole Spec 461-17423aa [Details] Scored Evaluation 10/16/2009

Legislative Information Specia 430-95513aa [Details] Resume Review 11/4/2003

ORS Standards Surveyor- Atlant 427-19619bc [Details] Resume Review 2/18/2004

ORS Standards Surveyor- Gaines 427-19619bd [Details] Resume Review 8/10/2004

PAROLE OFFICER 465-17527aa [Details] Scored Evaluation 10/16/2009

Personal Advocate 427-14008an [Details] Resume Review 10/1/2008

PH Educator 128-70701cc [Details] Resume Review 12/30/2005

Pre-Release Coordinator 467-14102aa [Details] Resume Review 12/4/2003

PROBATION OFFICER I/II 467-17502aa [Details] Scored Evaluation 10/16/2009

Program Assistant (DHR) 427-60112uw [Details] Resume Review 3/3/2006

Social Serv Tech 2 371-70923cf [Details] Resume Review 12/31/2003

Social Serv Tech 2 371-70923dr [Details] Qualifications Assessment 6/20/2007

Social Serv Tech 3 364-70922au [Details] Qualifications Assessment 6/15/2004

Social Serv Tech 3 364-70922bk [Details] Qualifications Assessment 7/5/2006

Social Service Technician 3 364-70922bn [Details] Qualifications Assessment 9/27/2006

Social Services Tech 1, Child 369-70924bl [Details] Resume Review 4/23/2004

Social Services Tech 3 364-70922aw [Details] Qualifications Assessment 12/15/2004

Social Services Tech 3 371-70922ai [Details] Resume Review 9/23/2003

Staff Develop/Trng Coord 2 461-16911ad [Details] Resume Review 11/1/2006

Staff Development/Training Coo 440-16911ab [Details] Resume Review 3/11/2005

Teacher SWD-10202aa [Details] Qualifications Assessment 2/9/2004

Teacher (DHR) 427-10204an [Details] Resume Review 11/1/2006

Veteran's Benefits Counselor 488-14447ay [Details] Resume Review 11/11/2003

Veteran's Benefits Counselor 488-14447ca [Details] Qualifications Assessment 12/21/2006

G-d

I believe in G-d

I want that made understood.

I have had many lapses of my Faith over the years.

I am struggling right now.

Here is what I don't understand...my inability to find a job. I moved back to my mother's in order to help her out with my sister. I thought that would take about a school year and then I would go back to Nevada or somewhere and reclaim my life. Over six years later, I have not been able to find a full-time job (save the unfortunate experience of the sleep lab).

The New Teacher Project screwed me over when I had been working for them and doing the job of the of the manager when she quit - and then applied for and interviewed and was rejected, and still had to do the job until I managed to grow a pair and quit. I allowed myself to be used.

It took almost 6 months to find another job after that, and I loved working for the Psychologist...and then he came in one day and announced that he was going to retire...the end of the month.

I took the sleep lab job out of sheer desperation. It made me sick, and it has taken almost 8 months to reset my internal clock.

I have applied and applied and sent resume after resume to no avail. The competition for jobs here is incredible.

I take care of my sister as best I can. Doctor appointments, dentist, eye doctor, see that she is clothed, fed, entertained (as best I can these days), see that she gets to her day care.

I try to help out with mom...mostly by staying out of her way...but trying to keep the house and yard as tidy as possible. Clean is no longer a big priority with me, as my energy is waning. So, I settle for tidy.

I have no transportation...Alex wrecked my car and neither one of us have the cash to repair it and both of us are up to our throats in credit card debt.

Alex has just learned that the transmission in his car needs to be replaced (he already had it reworked or whatever the phrasing is) and neither of us have the money for that.

We have found a mechanic who has agreed to rig up something for my Jeep that will at least make it street-legal and driveable for a time.

Alex's work is about 30 or so miles away from here (round-trip would be 60 something miles per day) when he is in rehearsal that means a trip into the city and that means another 25 miles from his work and from here...I'm tired of numbers...I hate numbers...

So, my question is...what am I doing wrong? Is it fair to even think that I should expect G-d to help me when I am such a whiner. Afterall, there are people with no homes, children starving, people sick and dying...my life when compared to those who have nothing seems pretty sweet.

Stephen Fry says something about it being reprehensible to wallow in self-pity...I really don't want to wallow...but here I am...wallow wallow wallow...fester fester fester...loser loser loser.

Why can't I hear G-d...what am I doing wrong?

Searching For Intelligent Life: Just because my sister is a tard, that doesn't mean I am

Searching For Intelligent Life: Just because my sister is a tard, that doesn't mean I am
tards, stupid people