Happy New Year and to 2009...Don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya

My old friend Janine used to say that...don't let the door hit ya...I don't hear from her anymore...I have lost touch with so many people...my fault...I didn't want to burden people with my misery.

I hope I can start to turn that around...I need to take baby steps in that process. Something to work on...

I'm glad to see this year end...so much that was sad and bad.

I hope the New Year blesses everyone with happiness, health and wisdom...and me, I need money and a job.

Happy New Year

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas

Thank you for your wishes of good will and love and caring.

Remember that most of what is happening is my own doing...there are so many people that deserve your prayers and good thoughts more than I...innocents that have done nothing to deserve their station in life...

I cannot thank you enough for your love and caring, but I don't know that I deserve it...considering there are so many that have nothing...

Missing my dear friend and Merry Christmas to All

Hey there Sister Golden Hair...miss you muchly...

Merry Christmas on All

The absolutely fabulous trinity

I have tried to practise lucid dreaming for sometime now...you know, creating and directing your dreams. I haven't been very successful lately. But last night as I tried to wind down in order to get to sleep a thought entered my mind...I don't know how it found room.

Anyway, I was thinking...Dame Judi Dench, Jessica Tandy or in my wildest dreams, Annie Lennox.

As my hair is almost totally white, having turned so much in the past year, I was thinking who I would like to become.

My last haircut was in August, very very close to my head, and even had a smart ass store clerk referred to me as sir. It's now grown out to what most people would consider short. So, if I was going for Dame Judi it would just need to be neatened up a bit. If I wanted to go for Annie Lennox I would need to have something put on it to make it more platinum and have it sheared up a bit. If I want to go for Jessica Tandy, I need to keep the shears away and let it grow out. I hate letting hair grow. And mine grows so excruciatingly slow.

I really like all three of those ladies. They each have qualities that are special to me and in my dreams I would be the magnificent combination of that fabulous trinity.

When I was teaching in Las Vegas, I had very long hair (I cut it all off after I moved back here) and I would normally pull it back. I went through almost every hair color there was during those years, my favorite red, the kids (my students) liked the blonde...go figure. Anyway, I remember a couple of my darlings commenting on my hair one day and saying I looked like the chimp lady...they were referring of course, to Jane Goodall...at first I was appalled, as she had to be like 70, and I was not even 50 at that time. But it was the hair, she pulled back her hair and we both have similar features.

I will be deciding which one I will let direct my hair..I should add that my mom hates short hair...and didn't stop coloring her hair until she was in her mid-seventies.

Judi, Jessica or Annie?

Mourning things that never were

This is the first year I did not celebrate Hanukkah, and it looks like we will not celebrate Christmas either.

I feel sorry for Faye, because even though she is 54 she is really
(on a good day) 3. I am glad they have decorations and trees and all that at her day care. They really go out to make sure the clients, as they are called, are cared for, entertained and fed. It really is a wonderful place and I'm glad she is able to attend.

I lied for years and years and ever about having a wonderful family. I lied about how nice and sweet my mom was and how she would do and say all these wonderfully supportive things.

I stopped lying a few years ago. Maybe its all my fault. Maybe if I start lying again I can make things good. No, that's how I got myself into this mess, lying. Had I been able to see things for what they are and not as how I would have liked them to be I could have avoided this whole stupid thing.

I offered to take Faye to day care this morning. Since Alex wrecked my car (he is having it rigged-repaired right now) mom has taken and picked up Faye - she doesn't trust me with her stupid little truck. Anyway, she barked at me and said something about she was used to waiting. I had no idea what it meant.

Any offer of help or show of kindness is met with harsh words and a pinched and angry face. Alex says he simply cannot take it much longer. He has nowhere to go, just like me. So we try to go about our business and stay out of her way.

When I had a tiny little kitchen in Las Vegas, it would be stuffed with Alex, Ian and I and often other friends. We would cook and wash and have the best times.

The kitchen here is much larger, but if she is in it, we all must leave as she shouts there is not enough room. There is plenty of room she just doesn't want us near her.

I overheard her on the phone the other day, gushing and being ever so sweet and nice, it was one of the people she used to work with. The man sends her cards and the family sends her pictures of their children, which she displays and remarks about how wonderful they are. She has all sorts of information about their lives, how the children do in school, their activities, sports... yet she knows nothing about us, about me, she cares not.

I have been thinking if I outlive her, how will I ever find her boys. I know their names, and that when she married my dad they lived with us for awhile, and then they went to live with their father. Does she ever communicate with them? Does she hate us so because she had to trade them for us? All questions and no answers.

That has always been the case, her love for other people and their children but not her own.

I remember when she told us that she wished she had never had us. I must have been around 18 or 19 and that would have made Lisa still in High School at 15 or 16. Lisa had already shut down after our dad died. So, I know it had to impact her, but she didn't react. Me, things like that wound me forever, and haunt me especially at night.

Alex once said when he was still rather small that Aunt Lisa was the smart one in the family, because she got out. She has created her own life, she never calls or comes by and basically has nothing to do with any of us.

My stupid sense of duty and responsibility has brought me nothing but pain. I wish I had been able to leave and disconnect like Lisa. Alex is right, she is the smart one in the family.

It is dark and cold and rainy and dismal...feeds right into my mood.

I must escape this somehow, someway.

I could have them place Faye in a nursing home, and then I could pack up what little I have left and just flee.

Then Esther would be free from us and she can have whatever it is she wants.

What does it take to get a State job (any job) in Georgia?

A nice lady suggested I look into State jobs...In the past 6 years, I have applied for 46 jobs (it seemed like there were more...one loses track). Out of those 46 jobs I think I got three interviews.

I must have applied for at least 200 hundred other jobs, ranging from no degree required or HS/GED.

Every day, I visit the State Jobs Site, the Georgia Department of Labor Site, Craigslist, and individual agency/company/industry sites...I use the newspaper want ads, I exhausted my contacts a long time ago...I use the Fed's Site...Monster, Career yadda yadda yadda...when I had a car I looked for signs in windows... It is certainly not for trying that I haven't found a job. The economy sucks, people are continuing to move out of the area, teachers are being let go, businesses are closing at a accelerated rate. I am waiting for the big black dust clouds to start blowing in.

I just feel like listing the 46 State jobs I have applied for, for fun.
They keep a list of them just to let you know what a big loser you are.

Note: Below are State of Georgia jobs for which you have applied in the past. The applications having the Screening Type of Resume Review, although in history, are still available to State agency recruiters for consideration and review. In contrast, the applications for the Screening Types of both Qualifications Assessment and Scored Evaluation are not available to recruiters as the evaluation or score has expired.

My Jobs History list contains 46 job(s).
Job Title Screening Type Last Action

Administrative Assistant 427-60104ba [Details] Resume Review 3/11/2005

Administrative Specialist 1 427-60011ab [Details] Resume Review 9/24/2003

Child Support Enforcement Supe 427-14402ae [Details] Resume Review 2/18/2004

Child Support Services Agent 2 427-14401cs [Details] Resume Review 10/1/2008

Child Support Services Agent 2 427-14401ct [Details] Resume Review 10/1/2008

Clerk 2, General 371-60108bw [Details] Resume Review 11/1/2006

Clerk 2, General 461-60108cb [Details] Resume Review 10/1/2008

Communicable Disease Spec 128-70502am [Details] Resume Review 4/23/2004

Communicable Disease Specialis 427-70502ay [Details] Resume Review 9/11/2003

Community Resource Coordinator 364-70209au [Details] Qualifications Assessment 9/15/2004

Crime Victim Compensation Spec 471-14686ac [Details] Resume Review 12/4/2003

DFCS Medicaid Eligibility Spec 127-14405jb [Details] Resume Review 11/1/2006

District Liaison/PHSO Program 427-70002gv [Details] Resume Review 3/11/2005

Family Independence Case Mgr 1 127-14412yl [Details] Resume Review 11/1/2006

Family Independence Case Mgr 1 127-14412wj [Details] Resume Review 3/3/2006

Family Independence Case Mgr 1 127-14412xx [Details] Resume Review 11/1/2006

Family Independence Case Mgr 1 127-14412nl [Details] Resume Review 8/10/2004

HR Consultant 2 (GTA) 980-06016aa [Details] Resume Review 2/18/2004

Instructor 2 (DJJ) 461-11403ax [Details] Qualifications Assessment 9/14/2006

Instructor 2 (DJJ) 461-11403al [Details] Resume Review 11/4/2003

Juvenile Correctional Officer 461-17246df [Details] Resume Review 1/27/2004

Juvenile Probation/Parole Spec 461-17422bg [Details] Qualifications Assessment 8/2/2006

Juvenile Probation/Parole Spec 461-17423aa [Details] Scored Evaluation 10/16/2009

Legislative Information Specia 430-95513aa [Details] Resume Review 11/4/2003

ORS Standards Surveyor- Atlant 427-19619bc [Details] Resume Review 2/18/2004

ORS Standards Surveyor- Gaines 427-19619bd [Details] Resume Review 8/10/2004

PAROLE OFFICER 465-17527aa [Details] Scored Evaluation 10/16/2009

Personal Advocate 427-14008an [Details] Resume Review 10/1/2008

PH Educator 128-70701cc [Details] Resume Review 12/30/2005

Pre-Release Coordinator 467-14102aa [Details] Resume Review 12/4/2003

PROBATION OFFICER I/II 467-17502aa [Details] Scored Evaluation 10/16/2009

Program Assistant (DHR) 427-60112uw [Details] Resume Review 3/3/2006

Social Serv Tech 2 371-70923cf [Details] Resume Review 12/31/2003

Social Serv Tech 2 371-70923dr [Details] Qualifications Assessment 6/20/2007

Social Serv Tech 3 364-70922au [Details] Qualifications Assessment 6/15/2004

Social Serv Tech 3 364-70922bk [Details] Qualifications Assessment 7/5/2006

Social Service Technician 3 364-70922bn [Details] Qualifications Assessment 9/27/2006

Social Services Tech 1, Child 369-70924bl [Details] Resume Review 4/23/2004

Social Services Tech 3 364-70922aw [Details] Qualifications Assessment 12/15/2004

Social Services Tech 3 371-70922ai [Details] Resume Review 9/23/2003

Staff Develop/Trng Coord 2 461-16911ad [Details] Resume Review 11/1/2006

Staff Development/Training Coo 440-16911ab [Details] Resume Review 3/11/2005

Teacher SWD-10202aa [Details] Qualifications Assessment 2/9/2004

Teacher (DHR) 427-10204an [Details] Resume Review 11/1/2006

Veteran's Benefits Counselor 488-14447ay [Details] Resume Review 11/11/2003

Veteran's Benefits Counselor 488-14447ca [Details] Qualifications Assessment 12/21/2006

G-d

I believe in G-d

I want that made understood.

I have had many lapses of my Faith over the years.

I am struggling right now.

Here is what I don't understand...my inability to find a job. I moved back to my mother's in order to help her out with my sister. I thought that would take about a school year and then I would go back to Nevada or somewhere and reclaim my life. Over six years later, I have not been able to find a full-time job (save the unfortunate experience of the sleep lab).

The New Teacher Project screwed me over when I had been working for them and doing the job of the of the manager when she quit - and then applied for and interviewed and was rejected, and still had to do the job until I managed to grow a pair and quit. I allowed myself to be used.

It took almost 6 months to find another job after that, and I loved working for the Psychologist...and then he came in one day and announced that he was going to retire...the end of the month.

I took the sleep lab job out of sheer desperation. It made me sick, and it has taken almost 8 months to reset my internal clock.

I have applied and applied and sent resume after resume to no avail. The competition for jobs here is incredible.

I take care of my sister as best I can. Doctor appointments, dentist, eye doctor, see that she is clothed, fed, entertained (as best I can these days), see that she gets to her day care.

I try to help out with mom...mostly by staying out of her way...but trying to keep the house and yard as tidy as possible. Clean is no longer a big priority with me, as my energy is waning. So, I settle for tidy.

I have no transportation...Alex wrecked my car and neither one of us have the cash to repair it and both of us are up to our throats in credit card debt.

Alex has just learned that the transmission in his car needs to be replaced (he already had it reworked or whatever the phrasing is) and neither of us have the money for that.

We have found a mechanic who has agreed to rig up something for my Jeep that will at least make it street-legal and driveable for a time.

Alex's work is about 30 or so miles away from here (round-trip would be 60 something miles per day) when he is in rehearsal that means a trip into the city and that means another 25 miles from his work and from here...I'm tired of numbers...I hate numbers...

So, my question is...what am I doing wrong? Is it fair to even think that I should expect G-d to help me when I am such a whiner. Afterall, there are people with no homes, children starving, people sick and dying...my life when compared to those who have nothing seems pretty sweet.

Stephen Fry says something about it being reprehensible to wallow in self-pity...I really don't want to wallow...but here I am...wallow wallow wallow...fester fester fester...loser loser loser.

Why can't I hear G-d...what am I doing wrong?

Searching For Intelligent Life: Just because my sister is a tard, that doesn't mean I am

Searching For Intelligent Life: Just because my sister is a tard, that doesn't mean I am
tards, stupid people

Pouring Rain...

Alex woke us all early this morning with the most mournful cries.


Mom ignored him and complained to me.


He reported the "worst pain ever" and was crying.


He just called from the doctor. Perforated eardrum and a raging
infection.


Alex is only concerned with the possibility of the infection moving
to his throat or vocal chords and then he won't be able to sing.


Opening night for the Opera is November 14. Hopefully he will be fine
by then.


One of our grocery markets gives free prescriptions for antibiotics.
Thank you Publix! Hopefully the Cipro will clear this up.

When it rains...it pours...

I shudder to think what misfortune lies around the corner for us.

Mom (Esther) ~ Suzanne ~ Auntie Vi (Viola) This is a nice picture of my mom, a niece from California and Auntie Vi from her 90th Birthday Celebration. The niece, Suzanne is the daughter of their late brother Raymond.

Suzanne and her husband traveled from California to Minnesota.

Mom reported the plane trip over was difficult, the return was easier. Evidently, mom had to be very assertive with a few Delta employees who argued with her about her seat placement. Stupid employees, just because she has white hair and is 88 does not mean that she will not stand up to anyone who she feels has overstepped their bounds. That is one trait I wish I had inherited.

Alex has wrecked my Jeep. I don't know if I will ever get the truth. I thought we were through all the lies. I don't understand why, when the truth is the easiest course, that people lie. He had asked to borrow it because he said his car was making odd noises and was in need of an oil change. Because the trip to rehearsal is over 100 miles round trip, I agreed that he should take it.

He woke me Sunday morning with a "Mom, someone has hit your car." The moment I saw it I knew it had not been hit on our street, as there was no debris about. I asked him what happened, and the lies started. He didn't know, it must've been on the street where the party was. He became angrier and angrier and nasty and surly. It was as if the nightmare of his High School years were coming back. I became sick to my stomach and thought I was going to vomit right there on the street for all the neighbors to view.

After much yammering back-and-forth, and police coming out (Alex called them) it was determined (I already knew) that the Jeep had not been side-swiped by another vehicle, but had been driven into some sort of concrete object. The police confronted him with his lie, so I didn't have to. That is narcissist in its full twisted glory, they think they are smarter than everyone else, and we will believe their lies.

The police called the State Patrol who came to inspect the car and confront Alex. The officer told me at my indication he would arrest him for fraudulent reporting of an accident and failure to report the incident when it happened.

Alex, all puffy and full of himself (having been caught in his lie) said go ahead and take me to jail. The police and the officer were probably thrilled to take him up on his ridiculous remark.

I could not see where anything positive would come from it. I would have to get an attorney and pay for the that, and then there would be bail to get him out of jail. I declined as I have about 22 dollars to my name.

Now I have a wrecked vehicle, no transportation, no way to get to a job interview, if one ever comes. I am hesitant to use the insurance company, as I know the rates will go sky high. And since I came back here I have been hit twice by stupid drivers. The first accident when a stupid boy rear-ended it whilst it was parked on the street. The second when I was working in Atlanta and having to drive back and forth everyday in the most horrid traffic. A stupid woman rear-ended me on the freeway and my neck and back were injured in that one. Even though I was not at fault, and the offending driver's insurance paid for the repairs, they count accidents and this would make 3 for my now 11 year old Jeep. Something about 3 accidents and the age of the vehicle, and surcharges and all sorts of legalese/insurancese that makes my head spin.

Alex created this chaos, and I want him to deal with it. I just am not emotionally able to deal with this. I hate to admit that I am unable to control my emotions, but this is just too much right now.

The only bit of truth to come out is he admitted that he hit something. He says he fell asleep whilst returning from a party after Opera rehearsal. He muttered something about being up for 14 hours or something. I didn't express my thought that if he was that tired he should have foregone the party and gone straight home after rehearsal.

I went through much of the same with his father for the 10 years we were married. Lie after lie after lie. There must be some genetic connection, because I certainly did not intend to raise a liar. I realised that after I questioned myself about "where did I fail in parenting?"

At least things are better with mom. She seems a bit softer and has not been all that abusive to me since she returned from her trip. Thank you G-d!

I hope she realised, being away for a week, that I am not the enemy.

Happy Birthday to my only remaining Auntie

I'm a bad person. I will explain.

October 22 will be my only remaining Auntie's birthday. She will be 90. Auntie V is my mother's only living sibling. I know it must be really hard on them. There were eight and now only two.

Here's why I am a bad person. My mother is going to go to Auntie V's birthday celebration. She will leave on October 21 and return on the 26. That means we will be on our own here for almost a week! Almost a week without ugly looks and nasty remarks. A chance to be pain free (I hope) and a chance to recover and heal a bit.

At first mom had asked me to go along. Part of me really wanted to. But then it became so difficult. Finances are tight, and it was impossible to find someone to stay with Faye. She doesn't need nursing care, but the minute you mention Down Syndrome and her age, prospective candidates simply freaked out.

Nursing care became the only option available. But since she goes to day care during the day, supervision and routine care would only be needed in the evening and morning. It seemed ridiculous (and we couldn't afford the 175.00) that we would be charged so much for each "day".

I mentioned to mom that between Alex and Lisa (other sister) they could work out something. That only angered mom and sent her into a tirade at me. Lisa has never offered to help out with Faye or mom. That's just the way it is, the way it has always been.

I know it's awful for me to be happy that she is going away. I hope she will be ok. I will take her to the airport and pick her up on her return. I will worry about her trying to navigate about. I hope and pray that she will have a good time.

She used to travel constantly, and so enjoyed it. We always knew she liked us better when we weren't around. But she hasn't traveled since she had the accident that caused the spine fracture that required surgery, and the fall down the stairs the following year. She really has done quite well (physically) considering all that. However, her life-style changed so much that all she seems to have left is anger, bitterness and hatred. She still talks about work...that was always her love. Some people shouldn't have children.

Zachary

We were at the Vet's office on Thursday afternoon in September of 2004. I was in the car waiting for Alex to come out. I can't remember if we were picking up Honey after a grooming or an appointment. I saw Zach come up from the lower parking lot, and we waved at each other.

Friday night...I heard sirens, lots and lots of sirens...I recalled thinking that something horrible must be happening. It must've been around midnight when I heard them.

My mother, annoyed as usual at the phone call, said that Alan was on the telephone. He sounded frantic and upset. He said Zach had been in an accident and they were at the hospital. Evidently, Elizabeth Ann must've called Alex on his cell phone and said for us not to come to the hospital. That her mother didn't want us there.

Alex and I went to the hospital and the ER people directed us to a little room. Alan said "He's gone."

Zach was showing his friends his new gun. A hand gun. According to the story his sister Elizabeth Ann told Zach he shouldn't be playing with a gun, what if it was loaded.

Zach supposedly said, "If it was loaded I couldn't do this." He held it to his head and pulled the trigger. It was loaded.

Later, Alan said that there was just this tiny little hole on the side of Zach's head...and he just looked like he was sleeping.

Zach's mother and I had been friends forever...since we were little girls and I would visit my grandmother when we came from California to Georgia in the summers. High School and college. We were thrilled we both had little boys the same year.

Zach and Alex had been friends since they were in preschool. Alex was 5 months older than Zach.

When we moved to Nevada, the boys kept in touch with email and phone calls. The first thing Alex wanted to do when we came back for visits was to go see Zach.

Alex had moved back to Georgia in May of 2004. He and Zach didn't see each other as much as they had in the past. Alex was working, and Zach was still trying to find his place in the world. They had several months together, and Alex says he believes that is why he came back to Georgia.

Alex did not go over to the house that night, and I am so thankful for that.

I just didn't want to let this day pass without remembering him.

Zachary Alan Carter
July 1985 - September 25, 2004
He was 19 years old.

I love you Zach and we miss you still.

September 24, 1970

On September 24, 1970 my Dad was killed in an automobile accident.

He was 43 years old.

In Memory Cecil Clinton Sheriff Sund
July 13, 1927 - September 24, 1970

Cutest Dog Competition

Alex's Dreams...Slowly Coming True

Alexander

Last Spring he performed with the Atlanta Opera in a production of The Flying Dutchman as a supernumerary dancer. All that ballet and dance training from ages 4 to 12 helped him get the small part. He was thrilled and I've never seen him so committed, so happy.

After I came back from New York, he said he wanted to audition for the Opera Chorus. He had fallen in love with opera. He took voice lessons for a little over a month and learned an aria in German and two other pieces. He doesn't speak German, he took French in High School and he had never had singing lessons...the last time I remember him singing was in 5th grade as chorus was part of the special courses rotation. Am I gushing? He learned an aria in German in one month!

When he was 12 I took him to New York for a theatre week. Yep, I was one of those parents that took children out of school for special trips. We saw The Barber of Seville opening night at The Met. I thought it would be a good introduction to opera because it is a comedy and has many silly and fun moments. We also saw an off-Broadway production called When Pigs Fly and Les Miserables. It took 12 years for the opera to kick in.

Fast forward through a lot of hot messes with my only child over the years...

Alex will have his first singing role with the Atlanta Opera in their production of Orfeo ed Eurydice. He will be singing in Italian, and is busy learning the music. He does not sight-read so he is doing this all by ear.

He studied dance from 4 through 12 and danced in many ballets during those years, he has studied Suzuki violin, played the trumpet and has had several small extra parts in movies being shot in Atlanta, so he is not totally unfamiliar with performing. The role also calls for him to dance (again, thanks mom for making me take ballet) so he will be well tested for this performance.

He continues to work at the chocolate store, and he is a great help to me as I continue to care for my sister and my mom.

Again, I have never seen him so happy, so focused so committed.

Leaving Today

Start spreading the news, Im leaving today
I want to be a part of it - New York, New York
These vagabond shoes
are longing to stray
Right through the very heart of it - New York, New York

I wanna wake up in a city, that doesnt sleep
And find Im king of the hill - top of the heap

These little town blues, are melting away
Ill make a brand new start of it - in old New York
If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere
Its up to you - New York, New York

New York, New York
I want to wake up in a city, that never sleeps
And find Im a number one top of the list, king of the hill
A - number one

These little town blues, are melting away
Im gonna make a brand new start of it - in old New York
And if I can make it there, Im gonna make it anywhere

It up to you - New York New York

It didn't take her long to start...

My last night at the job was last Thursday. I got home around 7:00 am Friday morning. I've been slowly attacking all the tasks that have been "undone" since late last November when I started the job.

Well, it didn't take her long to start in on me. My attitude is bad...I have a tone...it goes on and on...

Evidently, Alex left his shampoo and conditioner in the bath tub, along with some of his hair. His hair is below his shoulders and will remain so until the opera is over. She asked where he was and if he planned on coming back. I responded to where he currently is and then she started on about his hair...didn't he know if it goes down the drain - the drain will be clogged...drain cleaner costs money...why does he do that...yadda yadda yadda.

So, I went upstairs, picked up the shampoo and conditioner and placed them in the shower caddy and then retrieved the hair and threw it away...walked back downstairs and announced that I had picked all the things up...and then the hate spewed over...where does this come from? What is the real source? Why am I always on the receiving end?

She went on and on about how hard she works around here, and what all she has to do...I'm sure she believes that...the truth is, she doesn't do anything to speak of...and we don't expect her to do anything...we don't want her to do anything...I've always been in charge of cleaning - inside and out for as long as I can remember...and I'm trying to catch up as quickly as I can...but you know what...it won't make any difference. She will still find things to complain about and attack us...its sad...really sad...when she started in again, I felt those old feelings...but somehow I was able to fend off what usually ensues when she starts...I don't want to go back there...I somehow must resist those feelings and inclinations...I so have to get out of here...this walking on egg shell business is hard work...it sucks out your soul and leaves you gasping for breath...for life...

It will hit you when you least expect it...

I am desperately in need of things...things like body lotion and shampoo and assorted things like that. I was in the process of placing an online order when the ship to: box popped up...and the name was Cheryl's (Sister Golden Hair). It completely caught me off guard. She and I had been exchanging presents or "pressies" as Cheryl called them for about 10 years...I suddenly felt so empty knowing that she was not here...and that I would never again be able to send her a little "pressie"...

It will hit you when you least expect it...

I Will Be Soon Taking The A Train Up To Sugar Hill

Ian and I will be taking the A Train up to Sugar Hill during the first weekend in May.

If you are of a certain age, or if you love Jazz...you've heard the song...

I cannot wait to go...I cannot wait to see Ian...its been a long five years since we last shared each other's company...we will have five days together...

Sugar Hill Brownstones

Duke Ellington

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bHRbEhLj540

Take The A Train
Duke Ellington, Charles Mingus

You must take the A train

To go to Sugar Hill way up in Harlem
If you miss the A train

You'll find you missed the quickest way to Harlem
Hurry, get on, now it's coming

Listen to those rails a-humming
All aboard, get on the A train

Soon you will be on Sugar Hill in Harlem

So Much Tragedy

Today I learned that the son of my dear friend, Sister Golden Hair, has died. It was on March 11 that Sister Golden Hair left us. I cannot imagine the pain that her dear husband must be feeling to have lost his wife and now his son.

I am literally numb.

I have no words for this.

I have nothing eloquent or even appropriate to say.

What does one say at a time like this?

So much tragedy...so much sadness...so much pain.

I Quit!

I did it...I quit...turned my resignation in on March 17...last night will be April 17.

Have the powers-that-be acknowledged my resignation? Of course not...the most unprofessional pack of people I have ever encountered in my life. They have no clue why they cannot keep their employees. The only clue to me that they know I am leaving is the dates I was supposed to work for the next 8 weeks were crossed out and assigned to the others. I must admit that I am pleased that the manager had to do a little work reassigning those dates.

How is it that the stupid get in positions of power?

The nasty, threatening memos are the most insidious of the long list of things these people hand out to us. There is nothing that I will miss about working as a sleep night tech.

Sister Golden Hair Is At The Beach

Cyndi Lauper - Girls Just Want To Have Fun (Official Music Video) - Funny videos are here

For Sister Golden Hair, a force of nature...a girl that knew how to have fun...on the beach and forever young, strong, healthy and looking fabulous!

Sister Golden Hair Is On Her Way

Hey there Sister Golden Hair... my friend and more like a sister...come and visit me in my dreams and make me laugh and smile...there is a spot on the beach waiting for you...always warm and sunny, where you can run and hike and kayak. You are so loved...and one day I hope to join you on that beach, so you can teach me to kayak and be silly and free.

Lots of hugs and crazyllamalove!

Always,

EMA

PS...I know you are a big parrot head, but I thought you would like your song here on my little blog...I hope you like it...even though I know you said that it was boring at times...one thing is for sure, you are never boring...may your journey to the beach be swift and painless...don't forget what I said, and please visit me in my dreams...

Take Me Back To 1966

I was so in love with Steve of The Left Banke...

I wonder what he is doing today?

I have read somewhere that he did not really care for the song Walk Away Renee...

The music of The Left Banke was classified as "Baroque-Pop"

Those big eyes and bangs and tight pants were surely cute back in the day...

When I listen to Walk Away Renee I am 12 again...I had my very own Steve at that age...well, actually a Stephen. Stephen and I went to Junior High School together, and were great friends. Unfortunately we would attend different high schools, and I would never see him again. I found out last summer that my Stephen had died in a car accident a few years after high school graduation. Over the years I had tried to find him, as he had a very unique last name I thought it would be easy to make contact. Even now, after all these years, I think of my Stephen, and a few tears will slip down the side of my face.

I'm not really sure that I would want to go back to 1966, but I do like spending a little time there, in my mind with the music...and with my Stephen who is forever young and alive in my memories.

I Hate Cancer

A very dear and special friend is battling that damned disease. I don't even want to write the name of it, give it any power, acknowledge it...because I hate it.

Dub, my father-in-law had it and I was there with him during his final days.

My mom's baby sister had it.

My mom's oldest sister had it.

A cousin had it.

My friend Eileen had it...she was not even 50 when she died.

A dear Great Aunt had it...

I hate it...

In these days of octomom, botox and viagra and all sorts of seemingly unimportant (in the grand scheme of things) in the way medical miracles and advances why don't we have a better way of diagnosing and treating it...?

My friend that is currently battling this damned disease spent weeks getting chemo only to find that it didn't work because she was resistant to the platinum in the chemo...duh and damn...shouldn't there be a test to see if that might be the case before subjecting someone to weeks of poison for nothing?

I hate it...and I want better research...I want better screening procedures...I want health care to be more affordable...I want a cure...and right now I want a miracle for my friend...I want her healed...I want her free of it...

The picture of the llama is for my friend...she and I used to talk about how we wanted llamas for pets...I have recently found out that Alpacas are nicer than llamas...when a miracle happens for my friend...I am going to find a way to get her either a llama or an alpaca...

http://www.womenscancerfoundation.com/home.htm

Honey

Honey is our precious Cocker Spaniel. She is currently in hospital as she had her gall bladder removed today.

She was scheduled to have her teeth cleaned last week, but a few behaviors prompted us to consult with the Vet as she had, for the first time ever, turned down food. After having a plethora of tests it was discovered that she had elevated liver enzymes, a cyst on a kidney and a suspect gall bladder. Our local Vet referred us to specialists that are in Atlanta. It is paining us that she is so far away, but hopefully she will be released Thursday and will be back home so we can care for her in the manner to which she is accustomed.

The surgeon said that the bile had solidified, and was surprised that she had so few symptoms and seemed so happy and sweet. That's just the way Honey is, happy and sweet...an angel in a dog suit.

Treat your doggees and kitties well. They give us so much and are here for such a short time.

My Life Nocturnal

I'm in to my second month of working at night. I leave home around 6:45 pm and usually get back home around 7:00 am. I am in a state of perpetual exhaustion, and have taken on that weird vampire-type pallor as I rarely am out in the sunlight. My work schedule constantly changes, the facility is open seven days a week, I often work four nights in a row. It is very difficult to get people to work the hours and the job. The only requirement is high school or GED. They really don't want intelligent people, they just want nice little compliant, no questions asked, trainable button pushing monkeys. No disrespect to monkeys.

This job has taken my life, it is now my life, as I have not been able to find a balance. I have pots of dead fall mums on the front porch. There are dead summer ferns still hanging in baskets, and I am unable to relate the present condition of my little gardens. My gardening was once very important to me. I am mourning the loss of that part of my life.

I have somehow managed to tend to my sister and the dog. The house is very untidy, but I manage to keep up with the big clumps, do the laundry. I keep the bathroom and kitchen sink clean. Mom is not now nor ever has been "in" to cleaning, that has always been my job.

This sleep technician job is really terrible. The hours, the inept and profit-driven management, the poorly trained staff ( and that includes me) the number of seriously ill people and patients that have no reason to be tested other than their doctors have managed to get around the insurance question by using the magic words "sleep apnea" translate into a genuine recipe for disaster.

I now believe that sleep testing has become the dumping ground for patients whose doctors know that their insurance will pay for the testing and for those patients whose doctors have no idea what to do with them. I think there is a system of kickbacks for referrals, although I have no idea how to go about proving such an accusation.

Almost every person that comes in for testing, will receive a variation of the same diagnosis as well as the same treatment. Sleep apnea is the diagnosis and CPAP is the treatment. Caveat emptor.

Another problem I have are the patients that come in with MRSA. I have been exposed at least three times that I know of, and the facility is not using the proper precautions or clean-up procedures. I am the only person that appears to be concerned about the situation.

I have always been a proponent of capitalism and free enterprise. I am changing my view when it comes to medicine and health care in the United States. From the fraud and abuse I have seen, I am beginning to think that we may be better served and protected if we make a total change in the system. With all the legislation in place, we are still not being protected from the graft, fraud and greed that is inherent in the present system. A complete overhaul is needed, its broken and the band aids that have been applied only get dirty and fall off.

The only good thing about this job, is I no longer have to visit the "Bank of Mom."

Fair Winds and Following Seas CVN 77

"Wings of Gold" worn by Naval Aviators. Aren't they beautiful!

As I come from a Navy family, and more specifically, family connected to Naval Aviation, I want to welcome our newest carrier, CVN 77, the George Herbert Walker Bush to the fleet!

Visit this link to learn more about CVN 77

http://www.nn.northropgrumman.com/bush/index.html

I love this poem...it so captures the feeling, the spiritual nature of flying...

High Flight
Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of Earth And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings; Sunward I've climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth Of sun-split clouds, — and done a hundred things You have not dreamed of — wheeled and soared and swung High in the sunlit silence. Hov'ring there, I've chased the shouting wind along, and flung My eager craft through footless halls of air. . . .
Up, up the long, delirious burning blue I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace Where never lark, or ever eagle flew —And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod The high untrespassed sanctity of space,Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.
— John Gillespie Magee, Jr

May G-d Bless the George Herbert Walker Bush, her crew, the United States Navy and The United States of America!